of Feelings.

I am comfortable with Chai, 
But I think I am falling for Aliff.

It is still so early, 
We are in friendship phase, 
But I know he has feelings for me,
And I still haven't return his feelings.
I am not ready for it.

I am not ready for a relationship,
But I think I can wait, 
If he is worth for it.

So I guess now we are in heart-to-heart relationship,
Where friendship is included,
No strings attached, 
But we wait for each other.

I do like Chai. 
I can be a goofball around him.
But not to the extension where feelings and serious relationship are included.
I just hope he would give up sooner or later.

With Aliff, 
I don't want to jinx our friendship with a serious relationship, 
Because he himself is not good in it,
But if I can wait for him, 
I will wait.

Of Choices

I didn't want to write about it,
Because I was afraid I would jinx it.

But when I confronted Him for the closure I needed,
I was actually befriended someone.

One of the main reasons I need the closure,
Is for me to open up wholly to someone again.
A chance to love properly again.

Then entered Faizal and Aliff Afify in my life.

How ironic was it,
During my PPISMP year,
I used to say the traits I wanted in a husband,
Are Kelantanese and older than me.
Which suits Faizal the most.

When Allah SWT finally granted my wish,
I hesitated.

Because my heart was focused on someone else.
Someone who gave up on me,
Someone who is the reason I am depressed,
Someone who makes me the person I am today.

Now that I am trying to live again,
He makes me comfortable with him.

I was able to be a child again.
Be an idiot.

About Aliff Afify,
I am still wary of him,
Still guarded.
But the girls didn't know about our friendship.

I don't want to mar it with their opinions.
So I kept it a secret.

He is a new friend,
And I don't know what path God has for us,
The three of us,
But I am happy,
Because what almost killed me,
Gave me strength to smile right now,
Love.

Of Them.

Recently,
I cannot quench this feeling,
That somehow I made a mistake towards my friends.

The atmosphere seemed tense,
But I cannot fathom what wrong did I do to them.

Maybe I was delusional,
Maybe I overthink about this,
But I don't really care anymore,
If I were to be left alone again.

One year left and all this will be just a long memory of my late-teen years,
And I will laugh about it,
Or face-palm myself because of idiocracy,
And the absurdity of it.

But for now,
I want to breathe again,
I want to live again,
And I want to stop punishing myself,
Just because someone gave up on me,
I don't want to give up on myself.

One door has closed,
But it opened up two more doors.

Later.

For now,

I just wants to sort everything out again,

My life,

My mind,

My heart.

A start.

That's all I want.

New Book

I had my answers couple of days ago.

It hurts,
Knowing it firsthand.

But it is a closure I needed.

He was not the one for me.

He was the experience that I needed to  open my eyes,
Get up,
And walk again.

I created this blog to open up a new book.
Not a new chapter,
A new book.

Because the book that has the name Mursyidi Osman,
Has ended.
It reached the final stop.