Times Pass, People Change

It's the first day of school since Eid holiday.
I'm still blur on what should I do.
I mean,
I know I should be focusing on my assignments and thesis right now,
But my holiday gene is still lingering in my blood stream,
So I'm kinda stupidly carefree right now,
Even though those little voices back in my head keep screaming;
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, YOU FRICKIN' LAZY DIMWIT!"

And yeah,
Like Jai said,
Our lives has taken a 360 degree turns.
Me,
The only one who hated the topic marriage in our group,
Will be building a masjid of my own,
Insya-Allah.

I don't know when,
It is still in the process of making the base of  our masjid,
But the point it,
I changed,
They say.

Me,
The one who stubbornly wanted to be a grumpy crazy cat-lady,
Who doesn't care about anything and anyone,
Who hated everything and anyone,
But in the end,
Lowers her ego,
And try opening her heart,
Though she was guiding it effervescently before.

I hope I am changing for the better.
I want to be better.

It's not even the thought of falling in love so fast,

It's more about me changing to be a better person,

To be more humane,

To start loving myself,

Because I'm just too tired,

To hold grudges and hating everything.

Goodbye

You,
Who I loved.
I'm letting you go now.

I guess this would be the last time I'm crying for you.

I Did

The thing about being bitter,
Is you have to fall in love first.

I did.

I loved,
And I got hurt,
And it made me bitter.

I loved,
Maybe a bit too much,
And showed too little,
In the end,
It taught me to hate everything,
And everyone.

The thing is,

The one that matter the most,

Thinks that I hated him,

While the others that does not even matter,

Think I hold them dearly in my heart.

But it was him.

He was the first.

It was always him.

That love is something that will hurt you.

It taught me to be bitter.
To be skeptical.
To be cynical.
To see every bad thing there is.
And overlook the good thing.

I loved.
I did.

Soft Kitty

I've been singing "Soft Kitty" song to my friends,
A couple months ago.

I NEVER KNEW THEY'D BE SO OBSESSED BY IT.

No,
Not obsessed by the song,
Obsessed by ME singing it.

If I sang Dila that song as lullaby,
Others would request it too.
They'd want me to omit the word "kitty",
And replace it with their names.

For example;
Soft Zetty,
Warm Zetty,
Little ball of fur,
Happy Zetty,
Sleepy Zetty,
Purr purr purr.

I knew it was the purring that they loved.
And somehow,
I love them more for loving it.

The Fosters: Jude x Connor "Jonnor"

When Dila puts up Ruby Rose as her dp,
I questioned it with;
"Why did she CAN put a gender fluid person as DP,
But when I post gays it becomes a big deal?"

And my friends would retort;
"She puts it up just for fun,
But you made gay life as YOUR life."

Hm, 
Point.
So I shut my trap and move on.

So,
There is this one canon pairing,
Other than Jaiden of course,
And will probably lead to something happily ever after (I wish),
Because they are still young,
And there are too many things to be discovered.

I present..
Jude Adams-Foster and Connor Stevens,
A canon pairing of the series "The Fosters",
Or rather being called "Jonnor".

They were friends before both of them hit puberty,
When Jude's voice was still childish,
Until they became best of friends,
And lovers.

I literally cannot.

I don't need this much fluffiness and cuteness in my life!

Okay, I need it.

It's been a hard month,

And each time I thought I could breathe again,

The world proved me wrong.

And I need this small type of happiness in my life,

Even if it wasn't mine.

Be happy,

Be happy together,

For us.

Beneath All These

Sometimes my friends refuse to take pictures with me.
"Go away,
Your prettiness will dull us out!"
They would say.

I don't care much,
Because I know deep down,
They were teasing.

But it doesn't mean,
The one who is pretty,
Has it all figured out.
Has the world wrapped around her finger.
Has the least happiness amongst them.

We're all bit depressed around here.

My look doesn't define my heart.
If it does,
Then I'd be the ugliest of them all.
Because there is this darkness,
Consuming it,
And I don't know if I could ever retrieve it back.

I don't have everything figured out.
I can't even breathing without breaking down.
The world is pressuring me.

I'd smile,
And lie,
But my emotional intelligence is inadequate.

I'm just a step away from self destruction.

I don't care for love,
Because I think they won't be able to scare my demons away,
Because they could not pacify the insanity inside me,
Because I won't let my heart love.

My looks,
Is not a tool for their lust.
My looks,
Is merely an illusion,
And my heart,
Does no longer function.

Breathe

"Breathe.
You're going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you've been in this place before.
You've been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared,
And you survived.

Breathe.
And know that you can survive this too.
These feelings can't break you.
They're painful and debilitating,
But you can sit with them,
And eventually,
They will pass.
Maybe not immediately,
But sometime soon,
They are going to fade,
And when they do,
You'll look back at this moment,
And laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now,
But keep breathing.
Again and again.
This will pass.
I promise it will pass."

Breathe.

Darkness Approaches

I feel small,
Drifted apart,
Withering away,
Wasted.

I just feel so tired lately,
And there is no pretty way to say,
That I wanted to die.

With these marriage thingy,
And my insistence on rejecting everything,
And die alone at the ripe age of 30.

With the posting thingy,
Where everything is fucked up,
Our Malaysian Education Ministry is fucked up,
And everything is falling apart.

The internship,
The thesis,
Every single thing.

I'm 23 but I'm just so,
So tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Sometimes I have this expression on my face saying "Stay away if you want to keep your soul",

And yes,

I meant it.