A New Life

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..

I am officially a teacher now.
But the nagging feeling behind my back..
This is terrifying.
Because being alone,
It scares me.

Without my family,
It makes me helpless.

I know I have to be brave.
I know I have to endure.
But right now...
I just want my family back.

It's okay,
I will be okay as long as I have my family.
You can throw me anywhere,
As long as they're by my side.

I just want my family near me.
I can't go on breaking down in the middle of driving anymore.
I just want them,
Please.

Hafizi Saari and Stranded

I've been awfully close to Piji lately.
We chatted a lot,
And we teased each other a lot.

I was scared.

What if it will turn sour?
What if there will be feelings involved?
What if we wanted to be more than friends?

I want a bond with someone like I did with Amir.

Amir was my Kent.
He was the Dr.Jekyll to my Mr.Hyde.

No one will replace Amir.
But I want a relationship with a guy,
Who won't involve lust feelings.

I want a relationship where I loved them.
Mutual understanding,
Trust,
Friendship.

So I met with Piji today.
Call it our "not-date".
It was great.
Though it scared me that I was the first female he ever went out with.

Not even when he was with Jannah.

I'm trying to be positive.
Maybe he will be like I am with Abid.
Bro-sis relationship.

I'm counting on it.

And right now I'm stranded in Pekan Tanah Merah.
Because I parked my car in the RedWalk night market.
So here I am.
Lounging alone in Masjid Besar,
Waiting for Isyak.

It is kinda weird that I don't feel scared,
Nor panicked.
Because it is home.
Hometown.
Where my heart resides.
It's not much,
But it's home.

2016 Resolutions

I swore to myself not to make those stupid resolutions anymore.
Heck,
I forgot about resolutions the day I entered IPG KDRI.
I only wanted to survive then.

Right now,
When the first point of my life as a working person starts,
New year resolutions doesn't seem so bad.

Wan Nur Farhana's 2016 (I'm 24!) Resolutions;

1. Get a grip on my temper. Stop yelling at children if mad. Be calm and patient.
2. Start see things different way, not only in negative perspective.
3. Learn al-Quran. Not just read, but understand the words.
4. Spend more time on the sajjadah.
5. Exercise.
6. Go travel, at least twice a year.
7. Breathe.
8. If depressed, read al - Quran.
9. Mini library.
10. At least 3 bank accounts.
11. Charities.
12. Survive Masters first.
13. Live.
14. Forgive.
15. Cats. At least 4 of 'em.
16. Buy a PC/PS4. Can't play games without it.
17. It's okay to be sad.
18. It's okay if you screw up.
19. Make amends.
20. It's okay to indulge yourself (sometimes).

I'm ready.

Ready to go farther,

Ready to fly higher,

Ready to leave everything behind,

And start anew.

Vulnerability

I've lost count how many days I wasted away since the incident.
Granted,
Obstinate and I,
We go hand in hand.

Egotism and I,
We are one of the same.

But it is not like I did not try.
I did.
They did not accept.

What else should I do,
If people did not accept?

I've lost count on how many times,
I wished I could disappear.
I've lost count on how many times,
I wished I was dead.

I had not left my bed,
Only for trivial things.
I stopped caring for anyone,
And stopped caring for my own.

The inevitability of being hurt,
They pretty much what I am.

I am just so done.