Eyes Closed

After breaking up,
After thinking that I finally gained my freedom,
I'm stuck in the mud again.

Or maybe Allah SWT has plans for me in the future,
I don't know.
In shaa Allah,
Maybe.

I am a bitter, egotistical misanthrope.

That much,
I know.

And I am fairly sure that I am not a patient person.
When things get rough,
It's far too much easy to leave everything,
And start over.

I've been hurt for so long,
Hurting others is not a hard task for me.

I don't care for anything else other than myself.

I was so content to not think about marriages,
Or how pissed I was at Mum and him,
And just focusing on my internship and vacation next week;

Until Mum brought up the marriage issue.

Well,
It is a good thing she managed to see that she was the problem,
But I'm just so tired,
And I don't feel like getting married anymore.

But things never go as we planned it,
Right?

Right now I'm torn up between being a "Yes Man" to Mum,
Or standing up to my decision to not get married.

Frankly,
I was hoping he'd come clear to his family,
Saying that I broke up with him,
And that I am not in the mood to get married anymore.

I will be a good servant,
Just please undo all this please.

Let me be alone.
I want to be left alone.

I'm just so tired and bitter,

Everything that happened to me,

I 'd discard them easily because I've nothing left in my heart.

It's just an empty shell with a large spot of darkness.

I Don't Know.

First,
It was when he was so busy,
So damn hard to come back home,
Until Allah tested me with suitors.
(It's always with suitors,
Because it's my Achilles' heel).

Then,
Mum couldn't keep her mouth contained.
I think I've already experienced this before.
When Mum posted his resumé to the family WhatsApp group,
And I ran into Saba's room crying,
Thinking that Mum had humiliated me.
That she broke my trust.
(She did. Again.)
Which the reason I also had no one to talk to except my (estranged, now) wife.

It's not like I wanted to keep the marriage thingy a secret forever,
I just wanted it to be confirmed and official first,
And Mum did it again.

Seriously,
The dude's family hasn't come to our house yet,
And she already pranced on about me getting proposed to.
Maybe it's not as official as they were coming to house,
And just discussing about it in the local surau,
But still.
No family coming.
No engagement.
So no words.
But it's my MOTHER.
WHO CAN NEVER KEEP THINGS TO HERSELF.

And even if I liked about him being so naivé and innocent in relationships,
It kinda irks me out how stupidly stupid he is about making moves.
Sometimes I feel like he's all talk and no actions.
And I grew bored of the promises.
I was never one to believe promises,
After all.

And then,
The whispering of devils.
It made me re-think,
That maybe this is all a mistake.
Maybe I'm rushing things (again),
Maybe marriage life is not suitable for me,
Even though in Islam it is forbidden to delay marriages without reasons.

I'm just,
So tired with all these things.

And Mum is just so indecisive,
Like Dad.
I think this illness call indecisiveness is a plague in our family.
First she was all like,
"Thank Allah you're finally opening your heart to get married!"
And then she was like,
"Maybe you shouldn't get married ,
After all."

People would say it's just my Mum being all sarcastic and she didn't mean it,
Well I could say I don't wanna get married and run away,
And come back while shouting,
"Balderdash!"

I am so tired.
These doubts and indecisiveness is killing me.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.