I Don't Know.

First,
It was when he was so busy,
So damn hard to come back home,
Until Allah tested me with suitors.
(It's always with suitors,
Because it's my Achilles' heel).

Then,
Mum couldn't keep her mouth contained.
I think I've already experienced this before.
When Mum posted his resumé to the family WhatsApp group,
And I ran into Saba's room crying,
Thinking that Mum had humiliated me.
That she broke my trust.
(She did. Again.)
Which the reason I also had no one to talk to except my (estranged, now) wife.

It's not like I wanted to keep the marriage thingy a secret forever,
I just wanted it to be confirmed and official first,
And Mum did it again.

Seriously,
The dude's family hasn't come to our house yet,
And she already pranced on about me getting proposed to.
Maybe it's not as official as they were coming to house,
And just discussing about it in the local surau,
But still.
No family coming.
No engagement.
So no words.
But it's my MOTHER.
WHO CAN NEVER KEEP THINGS TO HERSELF.

And even if I liked about him being so naivé and innocent in relationships,
It kinda irks me out how stupidly stupid he is about making moves.
Sometimes I feel like he's all talk and no actions.
And I grew bored of the promises.
I was never one to believe promises,
After all.

And then,
The whispering of devils.
It made me re-think,
That maybe this is all a mistake.
Maybe I'm rushing things (again),
Maybe marriage life is not suitable for me,
Even though in Islam it is forbidden to delay marriages without reasons.

I'm just,
So tired with all these things.

And Mum is just so indecisive,
Like Dad.
I think this illness call indecisiveness is a plague in our family.
First she was all like,
"Thank Allah you're finally opening your heart to get married!"
And then she was like,
"Maybe you shouldn't get married ,
After all."

People would say it's just my Mum being all sarcastic and she didn't mean it,
Well I could say I don't wanna get married and run away,
And come back while shouting,
"Balderdash!"

I am so tired.
These doubts and indecisiveness is killing me.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.