Longing

I wanted to be discreet,
I wanted to solve everything alone,
But I know my limit,
And I know I couldn't.

That's why I have the girls and boys,
To solve them for me.

Somehow,
Sometimes I think letting it all out,
Makes me weak.

I don't want them to know anymore,
I don't want them to solve it for me anymore,
Because I want to decide it by myself.

It's mine,
The problem,
The burden,
The scars,
The wounds.

All mine.

I don't think I'd ever open up my heart,
Nor my feelings to anyone,
Anymore.

The cycle just keep on spinning,
Each time,
The same steps.

I make it seem to guys,
That I'm easy and pliable,
That they have me easily.

Then I turned on the "start" switch,
And everything changes when Fire Nation attacks.

They'd be dumbfounded,
They'd be left confused,
Because I'll have the upper hand.

I'll be the one leaving.

It's so easy to leave.

By reality,
I'm the bad guy.

But I also wants the thing I used to have.
Because people wants thing they can't have.
As easy as that.

It's just I am tired.
So I don't give a shit anymore.
Things happen.

I'm here for a stroll.

I lost interest in, well, everything.

Red.

I was seeing red.
Rage,
Boiling,
Anger.

Red.

I was mad because he talked about us,
About me,
To someone else.

I was mad because we were exposed.

Not to a big crowd,
But still,
To people I don't know.
People I don't trust.

I trusted him,
Not much,
But there was a teeny-insy bit of trust in it.

Now there is nothing in it anymore.

Though we were nothing to each other,
But it still scares me,
Because I was scared of being stripped of my invisibility.

That I would be seen.

I was seen before,
Because of them,
And this last year,
I intended to be as small as possible,
As insignificant as a vermin.

Because I don't want people to remember me,
After graduation.

I want my sole existence,
To be vanished from their minds,
After we graduated.

Because Lord knows I'm cutting loose from them this last year.

But after calming myself down,
I realized he just wanted someone to know.

Someone to understand.
Someone to tell his feelings.

And I'm not a touchy-feely kinda person,
Yep.

I'm still seeing red right now,
But it kinds of blurry,
And I'm still mad,
But I understand it.

I do.

It doesn't matter that if it's a misunderstanding.

I have trust issue.

No matter who.

Because trust,

Is a fragile thing.

And I just don't trust him,

Nor anyone else anymore to hold my secrets.

Anticipated J-Movies Of 2015

Tazabarnyaaa~~~

Omg I looked up to the J-Dramas of 2015,
And I oh-so excited to know about a couple dramas for this year.

1)Ansatsu Kyoushitsu

I loved the manga version,
And I don't intend to watch the anime,
Because I was afraid I would be frustrated by the choices of seiyuus.

Now that they're adapting it to drama/movies,
I'm equally thrilled and scared,
That it won't be as good as the manga.

The prospect of Masaki Suda(Phillip in Kamen Rider W) and Yamada Ryosuke in this live action is enough for my anticipation.

Though I have a inevitable premonition that Yamada is totally going to score as Akabane Karma.

2) Grasshopper

It was based on a novel,

Kotaro Isaka's "Golden Slumber" and "Fish Story",

And Ikuta Toma,

And Yamada.

Again.

But I liked the revenge-thriller genre of this movie.

Hope my anticipation is worth it.

Missed Ikuta's thriller acting since Witch's Trial and Maou.

3) Attack On Titan

HONGO KANATA.

Nuff said.

OMG Jeez kid why did you have to be so cute?!

I Miss Tok Wan

I had a dream last night.

All of us Wan Dauds in the porch, 
And I was sitting next to Tok Wan.

Even Tok Mek seemed younger in that dream.

I poked Tok Wan's cheek, 
And hugged him,
As if to make sure,
That he is still alive, 
That his skin is warm and not cold,
That I could touch and hug him again.

I don't want to brag, 
But I know I was his favorite.

I miss Tok Wan so very much.

Tok Wan was the one who taught me how to ride a bike.

Tok Wan was the one who accompanied me when I was in my elementary school.

Tok Wan was the one who made me banana sweets.

I haven't visited his grave for a long time.

And I miss him a lot.

Movies Review: Practical Magic & Byzantium

I loved the true love spell from Amas Veritas,
When I read the Sterek fic.

By then I didn't know it was a recap from a 1998 movie,
Called "Practical Magic".

So I downloaded the movie,
And the real deal was not as good as the fic,
As they completely discarded the memoirs of Sally's dead husband.

While in the fic,
As I loved Derek more,
The idea of Danny giving his consent to Stiles,
So he could fall in love once more,
Gave a tug in my heart.

The plot was okay,
How they portrayed Sally and Gillian as two different ends of a rope,
Yet as tight as blood.

I loved that family is more important than finding someone to love.

I first knew about Byzantium,

Because I was curious about Sam Riley in "Maleficient".

Then I found out he used to collaborate with Saoirse Ronan,

The girl I fell in love with when I saw her in "Lovely Bones".

She carries a light air around her,

And her way of acting in "Hanna" and "The Host",

Gave a chilly atmosphere,

You just couldn't help but be attracted.

In Byzantium,

What I loved was how a mother shows her love to her daughter,

Even in her own peculiar ways.

With Eleanor's incredible mind of maturity,

It almost makes you think she's the mother,

Not the other way around.

As though Clara finds a rather attractive way to found money for both of them,

It still tells me,

She'd give everything in her immortal life,

To keep Eleanor out of harm,

To keep her purity,

So she would not end up like her mother,

So she could live a life where she would never be burdened like her mother.

A mother,

Will always want a perfect life for her child,

Even if she herself has to live a sinful life.

A mother's love never fails to amaze me.

Second Perception

I might have been too negative,
That this negativity blinded me.

To the point where I don't believe in love anymore,
To the point where I don't believe in marriages anymore.

And also this bad habit of mine,
Where I get bored with people,
And ditch them.

But today,
A small but important gesture he made,
Makes me rethink about my actions these past few weeks.

I was a total asshole.

Yep.

If men bought me jewelries,
Food,
Gadgets,
Clothes,
Accessories,
I would throw them out or ditch it somewhere in the box,
Where I would never see it again.

Just because.

He gave me a Paulo Coelho book.

I remembered telling him not to be too kind to me,
Not to shower me with gifts,
Because I would not know how to reciprocate,
I would feel burdened by the surprise gifts,
Like a weight being forced upon me.

Because when you have no relations,
Like lovers,
Or spouses,
Surprise gifts are just...
A burden.

And that's why I don't like it.
It's another thing if he's my husband.
I will personally take his wallet,
Or drag him to buy things for me,
Without remorse.

But we're nothing to each other,
No significant title,
And he has no obligations to buy me stuffs.

I don't want it.

But I loved the book.
It was the nicest thing someone could ever give me,
Because he knows books are my life.

And I probably should be less of a jackass.

There is a reason why I was (am) an obstinate, evil person.

A villain is a person who was not saved.

Done And Undone

"By the fairest blood it is done,
And by the fairest blood it is undone"
- Snow White And The Huntsman

In the middle of AR lecture,
This sentence came into my mind,
And with a little bit of word twist,
I spun and playing around with Fatah,
Nasir,
Abid,
Or Anas.

And sometimes I will catch his reflection.

It's not like I intend to.

With such sentence in mind,
My head creates another one;

"By the same person the heart is broken,
Only by the same person the heart can be mended."

The only thing is,
I want to detoxify the wound and scars,
The blackness that it caused.

And I don't want to mend it by repeating my mistake.

I just don't want to be in the same room with any of these people,
All of them.

It made me nauseous,
It made me sick,
And I had to pretend to my friends,
That I was zoning off to my writing site,
Or pretending that I actually pay attention to their chats.

The only thing that saved me from my mind,
Was the lecture.

How ironic is it,
Right?
My life is a comedy,
And I get all teared up thinking about it.

By the fairest it is undone.

Anime Review: Colorful

My sister told me it was a great reminder of what a fragile world we live in,
Based on the anime Colorful.

Before I watch this anime,
I read about the reviews on the net.

It is a depressing anime with NEETs and hikikomori and suicides.

Sure,
A GOOD anime for people like me.
But I'm not one to talk,
For my obsession with Hannibal series, thrillers, ghost movies and American Horror Story.

After watching the anime,
I loved PuraPura because he is the oxymoron of an angel;
He guides the lost soul,
But without the obnoxious usual cliche of cat ears, halos, being a girl and all that craps.
And he does so too,
Guiding the main protagonist.
Sometimes with gentle kindness and wise words,
Sometimes outright sarcasm and meanness.

There's this part where I wanted to laugh and/or bang my head on the screen,
The last part when Makoto finally eats and his Mum gets all teary,
And all I can muster was;
"Good gracious woman! 
He is just eating,
You're really crying over this?"

I guess I'm not much of an emotional maternity material.

When Makoto was being rude to his mother,
I wanted to slap him senseless.
His mother made a mistake,
His crush made a mistake,
Even he himself made a mistake.

We're humans,
We make mistakes.

And it's okay.

You just have to have some common sense to realize your mistakes,

And a little bit courage to amend it.

Dasar Pemalas

For this year's JPP election,
Our batch was handling everything.
And subsequently,
I had to play a minor part.

Which I do not like to do at all.
Since I am a lazy-ass and all that jazz.

But hey,
Life's a biatch.
So I was assigned under Fadhil to design the elections' posters.
There were four of us,
Amer, William, Mirul, and Me.

Oh the irony of being the only female.
And did I mention that I hate doing group work if it consists art?

Art is abstract.
You cannot share it with other people unless it's finished.
Just for viewing.

So I play around a lot,
Here and there,
And because of my half-assed work,
I didn't even use Photoshop or Illustration.
I merely played around with Microsoft Word 2010.

So, so funny.

And I wished I had more money to buy Digital Art equipment.
Lord knows that is the only way to get to higher grounds.

The result of a half-assed work and quite a lot of dilly-dallying.

Lips and Tongues, Smile and Nod.

You don't believe a word they say.

"I like you."
"You're nice."
"You're pretty."
"I was going to help you, but -"
"I was going to greet you, but -"

They're all bull.
Bunch of bulls sprouted by lying lips and tongues.

I didn't believe any of it.

And I don't give a crap.
So I dismiss it.

Smile and nod.
Change the topic.
Keep quiet.

I have had enough battling my own demons,
I don't need to take craps from other people too.

Pretty much both.

About Time.

Before this movie,
I was strung up with "Time Traveler's Wife".

I don't know why,
But romantic movies that touched my hard-steeled heart,
Are connected with time.
Or time traveling.

Well,
Life is about the perfect timing.
You might found your perfect person,
But at the wrong time.
You might found the perfect answer,
But at the wrong time.
Thus start the chain of wrong decisions.

"About Time"
Was perfect the way it it.
I loved it because it doesn't revolves completely around love.
It's about finding yourself through mistakes,
It's about making things right,
It's about family.

I loved the chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Domhnall Gleeson,
I loved the way they interacts with each other,
I loved the bond between the male protagonist with his family,
How he tried his hard to fix his sister's life,
How he loved his father so much,
Going back to the days before his father's death.

I think the reason I loved "Time Traveler's Wife",
Was because Eric Bana portrays the character as broken,
Yet moving on with life.
And again Rachel McAdams.

These two movies revolves around books.
Henry was a librarian,
And Mary works at a book publishing company.
I loved it because these two movies,
They don't talk but merely whisper to each other.
Not forcing a conversation,
And being comfortable in silence.

It was the thing I wanted,
And will never have.

It doesn't have to be perfect to be beautiful.

Tired

I'm just so tired of everything.
It might be the hormones talking,
Since my PMS is nearing.
I won't lie because of my appetite lately.
Crankiness.
Moody.
Being mad at literally everything.
Hangry (angry + hunger).

I just want to sever my ties with everyone here,
Shut off my phone,
Watch psychological thrillers,
Sleep and never wake up.

I'm tired with humans.
I'm tired with everything.
Just leave me alone.

Go away, all of you.

Shut Up. Shut The Hell Up.

Annoyed.
Irritated.

There are ways in starting a conversations,
And you teasing / mocking me aren't going to start well, bro.

So just stay away from me.
Don't contact me anymore.
I'm done.
Outta here.
Bored to death with your constant presence.
Capiche?

Me Versus Exes

I thought the start of the new semester would only one thing:
Dreadfulness.

I was right.

But not only that,
It also defines other things.

Like that one particular psychotic lecturer that would make you cringe.

Or having to go to practical in schools for three frickin' months.
Not that it would change anything,
Now that after I finish my degree,
I would be in school for my ENTIRE life.

Okay,
Don't go that way Farhana,
Remember,
You're pursuing Masters and PhD,
Not just stuck with Degree.

The other thing SEMESTER 7 defines,
Is that we will be in MASS LECTURES.

AS IN MASS LECTURES,
WITH OTHER CLASSES.

WHAT THE EVERLASTING FUCK???!!!

ALL MY EXES IN ONE ROOM???
Okay,
I should have listened to Ricchan and Amir.

Never find a boyfriend that studies close to you.
But apart from Zafik,
I wasn't the one who came onto them!!

THEY'RE THE ONES WHO THROW THEMSELVES AT ME!!!

AND NOW I HAVE TO FACE ALL OF THEM??!!

SWEET MOTHER NATURE,
WHAT WRONG DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!

OKAY FARHANA.
BE COOL,
BE COMPOSED.
ALL OF THEM ARE JUST MEMORIES.
MEMORIES CAN'T HURT YOU.
THEY'RE LIKE PASSING WINDS.
OR DEAD PETS YOU'VE BURIED THREE FEET UNDER.
WHICH ALSO CAN COME BACK AS ZOMBIES.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.
LIKE THEY SAY,
THERE IS NO FAIR PLAY IN LOVE AND WAR.

I'M COOL.

GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

Ditching Classes

I should be at the hostel today.
But here I am,
Home.

I used to be that good little girl, 
Follow the rules,
Go by the book.

As I get older,
I don't really care about those thigns anymore.
Somehow I really should feel bad ditching classes,
Which is starts on the first day of school.

But as long as the works here is not done,
I won't feel comfortable being in IPG.
I want Mum and Dad to feel at ease,
Lightening their burden with the chores first.
Ensuring everything is safe,
No hard works for Mum and Dad.
I guess it's the conscious of being the eldest.
Even if it's not my responsibility per se,
I feel responsible.

Then I'll go back to the goddamned dilapidated hellhole.

Protecting My Heart

He will hear my calls from miles away.
He will love to travel but keep it as secret.
He will know my sad heart even when I smile.

"What are you doing?"

I'm making a spell for my true love.

"But you said you don't want to fall in love."

That's the point. 
The man I'm talking about doesn't exist. 
And if he doesn't exist,
I won't die of a broken heart.

To have something to love,
To have someone you held preciously,
It's terrifying.

They're your strength,
But also your weakness.

If you have nothing to love,
You have nothing to lose.

You're free.

****
I really,
Really don't want to fall in love again.
I don't want to hope,
Don't want to have expectations,
Don't want to have something precious for me,
Just so it would be taken from me again.

I don't want to cry or grieve,
Or die of a broken heart.
Call me a coward,
But I have had enough.

To held and to protect.

Book Review: Stephen King's "Cujo" & "Doctor Sleep"

My mental state wasn't exactly in chirping mode lately,

Even though the flood has subsided,

The electricity and water has surfaced,

And it's the new days of the year 2015.

Probably due to exhaustion.

I have no mood indulging in conversations,

Though I know people tries to be considerate of my plague.

So I read books.

Stephen King's.

1) Doctor Sleep

It was a sequel to "The Shining",

That one book that has been made into movie,

Which I sadly haven't watch it (Will make a mental note to watch it).

It was how Dan Torrance,

The boy who survived the killer ghosts in Overlook,

Became a teacher to a powerful shiner than himself,

A young girl named Abra.

Only in this sequel,

The bad guys weren't the ones in Overlook,

But a whole bunch of human parasites that meals on kids that possess "the shining".

I loved it,

More than I loved "Salem's Lot" and "Dreamcatcher",

Because the protagonists had already been in a compromising situation,

Know when to fight,

And they believe.

I loved Dan's relationship with Abra,

How they connect with each other because they share what others don't,

Like how Dan was with Dick in the prequel.

After reading "Doctor Sleep", I asked my sister if she would like to have "the shining".

She said she would because she prefers the companion of ghosts instead of humans.

I second that opinion though I would not vouch much seeing deathflies on someone who will be dying.

2) Cujo

After finished with "Doctor Sleep",

I thought I might read Rainbow Rowell's "Fangirl",

But I have no perseverance in reading something trivial as teens' love and social lives.

It voids of what I feel at this moment.

And I feel darkness.

I feel tired.

I feel shutting everyone who isn't family out.

Like they say,

Out of sight, Out of mind.

My sister told me to read "Cujo",

And I was a bit hesitated because no werewolves, thank you very much.

She said it was about a devil,

And I believed her.

I should punch her in the gut.

It was only about a giant Saint Bernard who went rabid.

Only it's rabidness is out of control,

Because the dog, Cujo, killed people.

It was an okay plot,

But not much horror as I expected,

But when it comes to Stephen King's,

What's not to expect?

The only thing that baffled me is how King portrays many male characters are alcoholics, abusive husbands. Hm.

Big Flood Of 2014

The biggest flood Tanah Merah, Kelantan has experienced was during 2004.
I was 12 by then.
The water didn't got a chance to enter the house,
Just roaming at the front door.
It was a close call.

2014,
Things got worse.
My parents said it might be worse than the "Bah Merah" of 1967.
Elderly were making puns that this flood might as well be called "Bah Kuning",
Because of the mud.

My house was charred,
The mud was in and out,
No place to put the furniture,
We lost so many.

Spending more than a week in a homestay at Belimbing,
Along with my three relatives and their families,
As well as my grandparents.

I am thankful.

Thankful because all my books (most of them) were spared.
Thankful because no one was hurt.
Thankful because my house was there,
And we never short on food.

Other people,
Mainly in Manek Urai,Kuala Krai,
And Gua Musang,
Their test was so much harder than ours.
Houses missing,
What's left are the site of the houses,
Beloved ones missing or dead,
No food nor shelter,
And my heart bleeds for them.

I should be thankful.

\

A snip of Kakak Tasnim's house from the view of Cik Ninie's house.

Kakak Tasnim, Cik Ninie, Cik Zan, and Cik Ma were separated from my family, Cik Ran's, Cik Ri, and Tok Mek's.