"She wanted to find a way to love them in death,
Because she forgot how to love them in life."

"She's scared of the way he makes her feel,
Because she doesn't want to feel anything."

"I know you have feelings left somewhere,
But they're all so hard to reach."

"The world I loved fell apart."

"That's how they found her. Alone."

I'll never be fine.

Just Kill Me Now

It was a very very hectic week for us.
Even when the school only lasted for three days,
Those Goddamn three days had been hellish.

Every day,
We came back to IPG when the sun sets down,
Near to 7 p.m.
And we had to do our short coursework,
Which Madam Suryani won't let us extend it,
Unlike other classes.

During the netball match,
I was scolded right in front of my fellow teachers,
In front of my students,
By a fucking stupid hotheaded mother,
Who couldn't accept that her daughter was losing the match.

I was mad,
I was frustrated,
I was angry,
I was so, 
So tired,
And there's nothing I could do about it.

Madam Zainab came to observe us today,
And I thought with the closing ceremony of netball match finally over,
We could relax a bit,
Spending the holiday with completing the EDU coursework.

Then I got the news Mr. Marzuki will come on next Sunday,
To observe my Science class.
I had no Science on Sunday.
I ran here and there,
Searching for teachers so I could exchange my schedule with theirs,
And I'm tired.
I just wants this to end.

This tiredness is different from previous practicals,
In Kuala Berang and Kuala Jengal.
It's a type of tiredness,
That drained me mentally,
Physically,
And even emotionally.
If I talk this to Mum or Dad,
I'd just get frustrated.

They don't understand. 

I just wanted to get run down by a vehicle.
So I could die.

I beg of you,

Just kill me now.

I'm done living.

Grateful

I've been reflecting on my thoughts,
Actions,
Words,
And attitudes these past few weeks.

I have been minimizing my count of grateful,
And couldn't stop whining,
Getting mad at people,
Sighing,
And in overall,
"Ungrateful."

I was whining about my practical,
I was sighing about our allowance income,
I was mad at some people,
I was ungrateful the life Allah gave me,
I was ungrateful of the people that loved me.

It was noted that I was stressed out,
Because of our practical in SK.Kampung Tengah,
But I was being a cry-baby.

Somehow,
After reflecting myself on my behavior,
I feel ashamed.
A 23-year old woman,
Being given everything since she was born,
Loved by her family,
Have friends that comes to her when she calls,
And yet still being resolutely ungrateful.

I want to change this attitude.
In shaa Allah.

I hope Allah SWT will ease my burden.

Tuan Guru Nik Aziz Nik Mat

When I first got the news,
I was shocked.
Shocked was all I was.
I didn't feel anything.
Yet.

That morning,
I didn't know why,
But I think I was in a state of denial,
By trying to calm myself,
With watching TBBT Marathons.

After Zohor pray,
The words that rang into my mind was,
"When people died,
You say they were loved,
But some people that was chosen by Allah,
Still is loved even when they're gone."

I had no close relations to Tuan Guru whatsoever,
But our family is a PAS family,
And Kelantan people respected him.

And this might seem weird,
But right now,
Writing this down,
I had the feeling of losing Tok Wan all over again.

May Allah SWT grant Tok Guru Nik Aziz Nik Mat jannah and rest his soul with other good people, Amiin.

Pimples

Lately,
The only source of my stress,
Is a name that goes by,
Razak.

He is our PK 1,
In SK. Kampung Tengah,
But Jai and I decided to call him;
"Jis".
Which is the abbreviation of;
"Najis".

We kept on laughing,
That if we're too stressed by his psychopathic tendencies,
We would shout out,
"POOP!!!"
So the entire school could hear our voices.

And I think it's because of him,
I keep on stuffing my face with food,
Because food keeps me out from killing him in my mind,
A thousand times a day.

And also pimples.

Actually,
I'm not much troubled by pimples' existence,
But what I'm concerned of is,
The places they're at.

Usually on my chin.

And with Google's help,
I knew that the pimples' location on my chin,
Means that my PMS and reproduction system,
Are not stable.

That my ovaries and uterus are not strong.

I don't want that.
I want to be able to bear a child.
I want twins.
Though maybe twins is a very thin probability,
I still want to be able to have my own children.

To be called mother.

I'm scared.

The only thing I would be proud of in this world,

Being called "Ibu".

Breakdowns

Kalau tiap-tiap semester,
Akan jadi masalah setiap kali praktikal,
I couldn't help but think that,
Even fate doesn't want me being a teacher.

Dari semester 5,
Semester 6,
Dan membawak ke semester ni,
Aku memang akan face masalah PK 1,
Yang saiko dan suka menyusahkan.

I am so sorry,
Tapi aku takleh stop dari buat muka.
Aku tak suka nada dia,
Condescending.
Aku tak suka cara dia,
Memang menunggu untuk kitorang carik pasal.

Kalau cikgu-cikgu bagi banyak kerja,
Sebab nak bagi kami guru praktikal pengalaman,
Aku tak kisah.

Tapi aku tau dia buat macam ni,
Sebab nak menyusahkan kitorang.
Padahal tak dapat apa-apa benefit pun,
Dengki ke ape.

Macam kitorang ni sangat free.
Macam kitorang ni takde assignment untuk dibuat.
Macam kitorang nak sangat duduk situ.

It's been two days,
I eat because of stress.
And having gastritical problem,
Because of it.
I can't stand it.
I'm having breakdowns.
And I don't know where I can throw this ugly urge,
Of snap and break,
Of thrashing around,
Of just giving it up.

I never asked to be a teacher.

I never wanted to be a teacher.

I don't have the quality of a teacher.

Why does fate hates me so much?