Where Would You Be

"The saddest kind of love,
Is knowing that the one who you love,
Still loves you,
But unable to show you that love,
Because circumstances doesn't allow them to."

I'd like to believe that I wasn't loved anymore,
Rather than knowing,
That I was loved,
But unable to reach out to that love.

It's like they are so near,
Yet so far.

I tried to make fake smiles,
There are those types of strengths,
That you can still smile,
Even when you can't even breathe.

But all I can choke out,
Is voiceless sobs.
Silence through the noises.

I don't try to get better,
Because if I get better,
I might forget how does it feel,
When you've been put in your place.

Worthless.

I was hoping by traveling,

I'd forget.

Old Woman, Little Girl.

Been home for awhile,
Three days to be exact.

It was pure heaven.
Except for the fact that we still have a black sheep,
Roaming around in the family,
Making a black spot,
Whereas in a perfectly shiny and clean place.

Before this,
I told Jai that I won't be coming home.
But when I woke up from nap at 5 p.m. last Thursday,
I want to come home.

So I came home.
It's the thing with Libra,
We don't know what to choose.
I, of course want to come back home,
What I loathe is the journey.
But then,
Meh.

It's not like I don't know my priority,
I do,
I am just too lazy to work at it.

I remember about me being called,
"An old woman in a little girl's body",
From my friends.

Because I listen to oldies,
Because sometimes I act motherly,
Because I take pride in being called "old",
Because I always act like a parent in the car,
Asking them to wear seatbelts and recite prayers,
Sometimes I'd nag Said about her not eating her veggies,
And most of the times I worry when Saba doesn't get enough sleep,
I worry whether Jai can overcome her flu,
I worry if Zetty keeps her sadness on her own again,
I worry if Dila still hasn't stop living in the past.

I know I don't need to worry about my family,
Because we would always support each other,
Because we're not ones to keep it for ourselves,
Even when Mum doesn't express her feelings to us,
She has Dad,
Who always puts her before himself,
And her him.

I put my beloveds first,
Because I learned that from my family.
But sometimes I forgot,
By putting others before myself,
Makes me always to put myself second.

I'd hurt,
Without even realizing I was hurting,
Until it's too late.

I'd get scared.
Not scared of being hurt,
Scared of letting go about everything,
That I will be unable to feel anymore.

Isn't that what insanity do to people?
They forget their emotions,
They forget their priorities,
They forget how to function.

Hello children.

my, my, what big eyes you have, Gramma.

All the better to see you with, dear.

Gallavich - Shameless

Ian Gallagher.
Mickey Milkovich.
Opposing the gay stereotypes.
Nuff said.

There is some resemblance in the air that Mickey brings himself with one particular broody sourwolf.

p/s: I didn't recognize Noel Fisher (Mickey) when he was in Breaking Dawn part II.

OMG Ian with his pouty lips during season 1 is so cute!!! 

Why the hell did he grow up to be so buff???

Movie Review - I Fine Thank U Love You

I've been investing in Thailand movies lately.
And this particular movie was introduced by Saba,
I liked it because of the English usage in the movie.

It was incredible,
The actress' English was perfect,
It seemed like she mastered English on her own,
And not just because of the role she was playing in the movie,
Plus she is so cute,
And looks like Kim Tae Hee.

Hey,
I like cute girls.
Nothing wrong with a little bit admiration.

I don't know much about the casting,
And the sub was made raw by some inexperienced subber,
But I'm still thankful for it though.
Yeah,
Just because I'm a Kelantanese,
Which resides juuuust in the neighborhood of Thailand,
Doesn't mean I know the language.

The guy was a rude,
Hooligan-dimwitted "shoemaker",
But lived an honest life,
And not afraid of saying what he feels.
He does not feel the urge to woo a girl,
By acting oh-so-gentlemanly,
And yet,
The girl falls for him in the end.
And the girl is not some ordinary run-of-the-mill nice girl,
She is smart,
Beautiful,
And really capable of handling herself.

Thailand movies,
Horror or romantic comedy,
Are far better than any silver-screened movies,
Because of the plot,
And the actors themselves,
Who does not exaggerate but can bring smile to the audiences.

I liked this movie,
It made me focus more on the usage of English,
The comedy of it,
Rather than depressing myself on what on-screen couples have,
It is a good thing.
A really good thing indeed.

The only question that clings to my head is,
Why do they hire a Japanese porn actress to play the minor role?
Lol.

I guess it's more to comedy rather than romance,

Since there is barely kissing or anything sex-related,

Other than bad puns and jokes.

I loved it.

The One

I thought I already set things straight with Kesing.
I thought I already told him I wasn't capable of loving anymore.
I guess I was wrong,
When last night,
I asked him if he was still hoping there would be something between us.

And I didn't use proverbial phrases anymore.
I just went straight to jugular.

"I won't be able to reciprocate your feelings,
Ever."

Huh,
It was too easy,
Why did it felt so hard back then?

And I came clean to him,
About my lack of trust in love,
Marriage,
And men.

I thought I lied about that last bit,
But right now,
I guess what I've said,
Was all truth after all.

After prayers,
I usually ask for forgiveness and to make things easy for me from Lord,
And two years before,
I'd ask for "The One" that would perfect my imperfectness.

Right now,
When I tried asking for "The One",
My heart would turn bitter,
And I'd skip that part.
I just really don't care about finding the fucking One anymore.
It might be a good thing not finding him,
Even.

Looking from the bright side,
I have many ways to rear children.
I still have time to be a mother.

But finding The One?
That kind of desire is dead.
It might be too early to say that,
When I'm still in my early 20s,
But it is what I feel right now.

And right now is all that matters. 

Sometimes I'm torn between

"Help me"

and 

"Leave me the fuck alone"

When I See You Again

This semester's practicum has taken a big toll on us.
Mentally and emotionally.
There were issues,
Problems,
Dramas.

Everything.

But I am thankful that we reached here.
What is friendship for if not for some catfights here and there,
Right?

Jai and I used to had one,
And now we're professional about it,
It's all because of what we learned in first practicum.

Right now,
Almost the end of our last practicum,
I've barely saw them anymore,
Even when we live in the same building,
Four of them being on second floor only,
And one of them being my next door neighbor.

And Jai,
Oh my Lord, 
Jai.
No, seriously.
FOUR frickin' years of coaxing her into moving to Abbas,
And when she finally did,
It's ON OUR LAST YEAR.
Haih. 

All of us were so busy,
Sometimes we don't want to see each other,
Because there are so many things in our heads.
It's weird when you miss someone,
But they're just a couple feet above you.

Har de har har.

It's coming to an end.
It will.
And I will see them again.

We curse,

We got mad,

We got issues,

But I know that we're still children at heart.

With bodies of 23-year olds.

DONE

I want to say "I'm sorry" for the last post,
But I really am not sorry.
Granted,
I was mad,
But it's better to write those angers down,
Rather than abusing my mouth on cursing the damn angle fish.

There's only two days left before I have to re-submit the EDU kkp.
Seriously,
I really really don't want to do it again.
It's really tiring.

I'm just so done with this semester.

Sometimes I pity those who likes me.
Because their feelings won't go anywhere.
Things would get so much easier,
If I am not bitter as fuck.

I mean,
I've been pretty much Hot n Cold since forever,
I get bored with people easily,
But I wasn't bitter,
That long time ago.

Now,
I'm broody,
Bitter,
Grumpy,
And hard to grasp as hell.

It feels like they are biting more than they can chew.
Actually,
It is.

They brought this up on their own.
Shit happens.
Everywhere.
To Everyone.
It's up to us how we deal with it.

Wasted

8 more days before Action Research proposal submission date.
I am pretty satisfied with myself,
Losing sleep and free time to do these things,
With only a couple of points left,
Before I send the whole manuscript to Madam Zainab.

If people look at my proposal,
They'd be,
"Not bad!"

But truthfully,
Even at the end of submission date,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING.
I seriously want to get wasted and forget everything ever happened,
Everything before 15th of April.
I want 15th of April to end quickly.

I don't want to look at the goddamned proposal anymore.

10 shots of tequilas,

7 glasses of vodka,

5 shots of Absinthe,

and 9 glasses of whiskey should make me blank out till next month.

Shatter

Clunk.
Onomatopoeia of sound,
Something shattered.
Something broke.

When a glass shattered,
And no one was there to pick up the pieces,
Each time there were feet roaming around,
Those feet would hurt.

There would be the old wounds,
The new wounds,
And the shards of glasses still embedded in the flesh.

"If I can't feel the sadness anymore,
I don't feel anything left."

My feet would constantly go back to that place,
Where the pieces of my shattered heart were broken,
I'd walk and walk,
And I could feel the sadness overflow from the wounds,
It made me miserable,
Yet alive at the same time.

It was the thing that made me human,
Less sane,
But admittedly human.

I never had dreams about any guys that I've dated.
Only him.
And not once,
Many many times.

The vivid dreams,
We'd talk,
Until we stopped.

I didn't want to get professional help,
Because the memories kept me sane,
When I had no hope of living through my life.

It was stupid,
I am stupid,
But I had to get it out from my system.

That's why getting a house in the middle of nowhere without human contacts,

And loads of dogs is the only thing that matters.

Movie Review - Wolf of Wall Street

Yep.
Sounds weird,
Because this movie came out long time ago,
And I just had the guts to watch it tonight.

I'm that kind of person,
Who are scared to watch a good rated movie,
Because I'm scared,
When the movie ends,
I'll be sad that the ride has ended.

Watching a good movie is like riding a roller coaster.
You know they are crappy,
Or good enough,
By analyzing everything.

The plot,
The dialogues,
The casts,
The camera direction,
And I gotta say,
Wolf Of Wall Street is literally the best movie,
Since Fight Club and The Godfather trilogy.

I'm so proud of Martin Scorsese.

Girls don't actually watch these kind of shows,
They prefer The Notebook,
Or those crappy chick flick.
Boys like the actions.
Well me,
It doesn't matter as long as the frickin' plot got me high.

And boy,
Did Leonardo diCaprio did a good job of being high,
All the frickin' time.

Granted,
It's nothing other than scamming,
And framing in market sales,
Full of sex scenes and nudity,
Not to mention the abundant amount of cursing,
But the movie got people to think.

Not just drooling about how handsome the hero is,
Or how powerful their love story is.

This movie was so good,
I can't watch it the second time,
Till I have the guts to watch it again.
Yep.

SOMEBODY PLEASE GIVE THIS GUY A GODDAMN OSCAR ALREADY!!

Sh.

I'll let you in on one secret,

As if you didn't even know it before.

There are three things I never believed in;

Promises,

Men,

and Love.

It's easier to believe one could conjure a bunny out of a hat,

Than believing a promise one would tell you.

It's easier to believe pigs can fly,

Than believing what comes out from a man's mouth.

Except if it's your lecturer-slash-teacher who gives information,

Or your father.

Because he is the only man that would never break your heart.

It's easier to believe that magic is real,

Than believing in love.

How ironic it is,
Because what I write,
Are always purely out of love,
But what I create,
And what I hide inside my heart,
Are two different things.

I'd rather die during bungee-jumping,

Backpacking in Greece,

Or being stabbed by a mugger,

Than dying of a broken heart.

You just can't trust anyone these days.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeves,

But now I protect it like a dragon protects its treasure.

You've been warned to not come any closer.