The One

I thought I already set things straight with Kesing.
I thought I already told him I wasn't capable of loving anymore.
I guess I was wrong,
When last night,
I asked him if he was still hoping there would be something between us.

And I didn't use proverbial phrases anymore.
I just went straight to jugular.

"I won't be able to reciprocate your feelings,
Ever."

Huh,
It was too easy,
Why did it felt so hard back then?

And I came clean to him,
About my lack of trust in love,
Marriage,
And men.

I thought I lied about that last bit,
But right now,
I guess what I've said,
Was all truth after all.

After prayers,
I usually ask for forgiveness and to make things easy for me from Lord,
And two years before,
I'd ask for "The One" that would perfect my imperfectness.

Right now,
When I tried asking for "The One",
My heart would turn bitter,
And I'd skip that part.
I just really don't care about finding the fucking One anymore.
It might be a good thing not finding him,
Even.

Looking from the bright side,
I have many ways to rear children.
I still have time to be a mother.

But finding The One?
That kind of desire is dead.
It might be too early to say that,
When I'm still in my early 20s,
But it is what I feel right now.

And right now is all that matters. 

Sometimes I'm torn between

"Help me"

and 

"Leave me the fuck alone"