Replay

I thought,
By the end of AR paper of semester 7,
I'd finally will get over my insomnia,
Finally will be able to get a good night sleep.

How wrong was I.

The scene of PJA spinning that night,
Me and my hands shaking,
Lips chanting "Astaghfirullahal'azim",
Heartbeat skyrocketing,
Breaths laboring,
And the prospect of death,
I couldn't get over it.

The scene would replay itself,
In an endless cycle of terror.

I'm going crazy.

I assured my friends I am okay,
I assured everyone everything is fine,
But I know it is not.

The past is in the past,
But the feelings,
And the memories will always haunt me.
I know I was in the wrong,
But blaming me is not going to change anything.
The one who was on the verge of death was me.
Me.
I was gonna die.

What more can you possibly put me on death sentence for??
I was scared.
I'm still scared.

Accidents

I got into an accident.
I don't know if I can exactly call it an accident per se.
It started when I got up at 5.30 am to go back to Kelantan.

It's a semester break,
And I don't want to tailgate cars because it'd annoy me to drive slowly.
At the intersect of Guntung Dalam,
I lost control of the steering wheel.
The car spiraled into some sort of a piece of spinning wheel,
And I was scared for my life.
Thank Allah I was able to pull the hand brake and it stopped.
But the tyres were exhausted,
And some smoke came out from all fours.

I was shaken,
All I could ever do was istighfar,
But there was nothing I could do,
I need to hang on till I arrived home.
So I maintained 100km/hour till I arrived home.

I was so scared,
And pretty traumatised.
My friends blaming me for everything is not helping too.
At this point I am just gonna send it to a workshop and make them see what is wrong with PJA first.
And i swear not to drive the whole damn thing ever again.
Each time I got into an accident,
It always involved him,
Not with Hisui.

We were just not meant to be together,
PJA and me.

Welp,
Happy holiday to me.

Stressed To The Max

I'm really,
Really going to die,
Am I?

AR Paper,
Who everyone dubbed as the killer paper,
Is just a day away,
And till this day,
One by one mishap happens,
That I think might be the starting point,
Of my endless journey,
In a psychiatrict ward.

First,
The insomnia.
Which has happens a few days,
Since the final started.
It is different if I take afternoon naps,
Or oversleep at nights,
This is just plain insomnia.
I don't sleep at night,
And I don't sleep in the afternoon either.
So I'm really really irritated by the loss of my precious sleeps.

Two,
The month is coming to an end,
And my period is not even here yet.
I joked with Mum that I might be pregnant,
But actually I'm really concerned by my lack of blood coming down in a fountain of grossness,
Which also triggers my abundant appetite for food in general,
And lots of frustration.

Three,
And this one concerned me the least.
Heck,
I don't even give a damn.

Everything is just so stressful,
And there is absolutely nothing I could do,
Except vent it out,
On twitter,
Here,
By watching Junjou Romantica,
Love Stage,
Karaoke-ing in front of laptop,
Yelling to no one in particular,
And picking a fight with the ABBAS' cats.

I am just,
So so tired,
Frustrated,
And I want nothing but this exam to frickin' end already.

Rohingya refugees: Turki Comes To The Rescue

I couldn't bear each times the news of Rohingya refugees pops,
Whether on twitter,
Televisions we saw during eating out in restaurants,
Or on the net.

I couldn't bear the thoughts,
Of starving children,
Women,
Elders.

I pity them,
But that is all I could do.

I was ashamed of this country,
Malaysia,
Of the so-called Islam country,
When we pushed our brothers and sisters in religion away,
When they have nowhere to go.

It is different from the Bangladeshi people,
Who sneaked in to get jobs,
These people were thrown away,
Nowhere to live,
Starving on a vast ocean,
And my heart bleeds for them.

Ya Allah forgive me for I can only pray for them.

Suddenly,
My depression and manic mind seems like a trivial issue,
Compared to the Muslims in Myanmar,
And the Rohingya refugees.

Then came the Turkish ambassador,
Who took them in,
The wife of the president cried as she shook hands with the refugees,
And the president himself hugged the males,
I feel ashamed,
Because Turkey is farthest from Thailand, Malaysia nor Indonesia,
Yet they were the ones who took them in.

Malaysia and Indonesia?
I hope ALLAH SWT show us why we are corrupted.
Rain hardships upon us,
Show us what happens,
When we turn our heads from our siblings in religion.

May Allah bless them, may Allah sent His angels to take the souls that died during the hardships, and lessen their burden afterwards.

Mistake

"If I can't figure myself out,
How are other people supposed to understand me?"

Never ever assume depression is a sign of weakness.
I am weak,
Only to myself.

I will cut and bleed,
Only with my own hands,
But if others try to hurt me,
I'll just hurt them more.

You don't know what I am capable of,
Do not ever try to provoke me.

All of my old wounds,
The demons grasping to my bruised soul,
The deep gash of scar in my heart,
They're all mine,
Not once made by others.

Except one person.

But he never once intended to hurt me.
That I know.
And I will always run back to the memories where he was mine.
Because he was mine.

It was always him.
Until I am strong enough to run,
Run and never look back,
It will always be him.

That is why,
It is a moot point to psyche me out,
Because if I don't spare you a second glance,
That will be the end of it.

I will always be this person,
I will always block people out,
Will always trying to hurt my self,
Will always try to breathe,
But can only gasps for air,
Will always be me.

The voices in my head are mine,

Not yours.

Don't try to make them yours,

Nor me.

We will retaliate with much force you will bleed.

Abyss

Nights in white stain,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed,
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is,
I can't say anymore.

Gazing at people,
Some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going through,
They can't understand.

Some try to tell me,
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be,
You will be in the end.

Some people say poetry comes from the highest peak of happiness,

Or the deep abyss of sadness.

And I haven't been so happy for a long time now.

1000

He loves you.
He loves you a lot.
He loves you more than he knows what to do with.
He loves you like the sun will rise, like it will set.
He loves you like the pull between the tide and the moon.
He loves you more than what he is made of.
He loves you more in spaces that have no more room.
He loves you at times that there is none left.
He loves you so much that it is not a part of himself, it is an entity all its own.
It lives and loves beyond him and the tight restraints of terrestrial space and linear time.
He loves you and he might not say it,
Not because he's dumb (even though he can be),
But because he knows there is no way to say it.
He can't equate it.
He can't relay it.
He can only feel it and live it and give it to you.
And you're someone that can love him that strange way he is.
And I'm so, so glad he's finally found you.
I'm so glad he has you.
Finally.
Finally.

He loves you.

I Want

"You need a boyfriend, or a husband, ASAP."
"Sure, let me go to the store and pick up a fresh one."

I want,
Someone who sees me on my bad "Einstein" hair day,
When I'm hating the world,
When I thrash around,
When I am nothing but a lazy ass buritto,
When I want to do nothing but lay around,
When I am fangirling,
When I wear nothing but yesterday's clothes (that may smell like raccoon),
When I'm plotting the world's domination,
When my cheeks and belly are flabby,
When I want to smother him to death with pillows.

Sees me beneath this physical,
Who knows I am a bipolar person,
Who knows my depression,
Who doesn't even amused by my piercings,
Who knows I am crazy,
Who can handle my craziness,
And still can say,
"I am in love with this girl."

Of course they don't.
Of course they don't see beneath the physical per se.

And that is one of the reason I don't believe in guys,
And love.

I wonder if people could see the psychotic crazy fangirl who has the thought of killing people at least 10 times a day beneath this perfectly-masked teacher?

NOPE. OF COURSE NOT.

Reality Check

There are people who we are envious of,
People we idolize,
People we want to be in the future,
And then there is reality.

I don't aspire to be someone else,
Other than a supernatural being,
Like a frickin' siren.

Sirens are cool,
They live underwater like mermaids,
And then they turn into humongous ugly bird creatures,
And eat humans' hearts.
So they're like multispecies,
Living underwater,
On land,
And can fly.

Stop for a reality check.

Each reality is different.

Mine is hoping to get through life without being led astray,

To actually live and not just surviving,

To stop being so damn homicidal and suicidal,

To stop being cynical,

To stop being so negatively minded,

To stop trying to push everyone away,

To start actually being human again.

But why being normal when I can be me?

My reality is different from others.

I'm happy with being unhappy,

It makes me aware of my environment,

Even though I seem to be an airhead sometimes,

But at least I live.

Even though sometimes I feel like I don't exist,

I'd like to think that I'm still living,

And not trapped in an asylum.

Hypocrisy

What's the point in being fake,
Why kiss someone else's ass,
But your own ass on fire?

True,
Living in a society makes it vital to be a hypocrite,
But I refuse to bend to people's wills.

It's their problem,
Not mine.

Maybe Saba was right,
If I keep on being like this,
I'd end up crazy.

I'll snort to that,
I've already lost everything.
I don't have my sanity anymore,
What else can they take from me?

I just don't give a fuck anymore.

I don't need people.
I don't have anything in my life.
If they leave,
I'd just forget about them in matter of time.
I'm that sort of person.

If you want to leave,
Be my guest.
I was fated to be alone anyway.

I've past the point of no return a long time ago,

Giving me advice to keep my sanity is a moot point,

Since I've lost it for as long as I remember.

Too Many Awws

Obsessed,
Too obsessed with this song,
It's so beautiful!
*sobs*

Too many awws

Doge approves

Much cute

Lyrics:

Dear future baby

Here's a few things

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be oo~

Dear future baby 

Here's a few things

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be our one and only all our life

We won't let you cry

Always keep you dry

Even when ya diaper makes us wanna freakin' die

Cause we will treat you right

Give you the perfect life

Buying what you need

Buy- buying your binkies

Sleeping 3 to 5

Then baby so will I

So don't be thinking

We'll be sleeping while we let you cry

We'll let your Baba cook

And then sing you this hook

Sing along with me

Sing sing along with me (hey!)

We know just how to treat you like a baby

Even when you're acting cranky

We'll make everything alright

Dear future baby

Here's a few things 

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be our one and only all our life

Dear future baby

You will never feel that you're not loved

Cause you're gonna know we love you each and every night

Please don't scream and fight

We'll teach you not to bite

And try to raise you to be kind, funny and polite

We promise you our world

If you're our boy or girl

Takin' care of you

It's what we gonna do

We know just how to treat you like a baby

Even when you're acting cranky

We'll make everything alright

If you need us we'll be right there in a flash

We'll be putting all your artworks on the fridge

We'll help you get good grades

And go to all your games 

We promise you

We we promise you

Dear future baby

You will never feel that you're not loved

Cause you're gonna know we love you each and every night

Fandoms

I seriously didn't remember how I stumbled upon these two.
All I remember was,
Searching for horror movies,
Watching "Honto ni Atta Kowai Hanashi",
Because I like to freak myself out,
And watching NPH and David Burtka clips (they're hilarious okay.).

The ones where David went;
D: You know our lives are probably look like Bollywood musicals?
NPH: Because it's an eternal tragedy that we're in love but are forbidden to be together by society? A common Bollywood thing.
D: No, we sing and dance a lot.

Or,

NPH: Hello, I am Neil Patrick Harris and this is my better half, David Burtka.
D: I am better.

Why are they so cute????
Why???
Adding Gideon and Harper into the equation,
They are the perfectly normal family that I ever wanted.

And i just showed Saba the "John Barrowman" love life.
It seriously felt like what happened in the Incredibles.

Aiden x Josh - Jaiden "The Originals"

This was so awesome.
I first stumbled upon werewolf x vampire romance,
When I read "Blood Ties",
Where Niko "Nikolai" and his beau a shapeshifter,
Not necessarily a werewolf,
Were romantically involved with each other.

That was the book part.

Watching it on screen,
Is a new other thing.

Not Niko and the dude (I can't remember his name) per se,
But different species altogether.
Y'know,
The whole vampire and werewolf are sworn nemesis since forever thing,
I had a particular disdain towards that part of supernatural,
Since frickin' Stephenie Meyer and Jeff Davies ruined my fandom life,
But mostly Jeff Davies.

I present Josh and Aiden.

Tralalalala,

Nothing makes me happier than a canon OTP,

Even when they didn't get their happy ending.

Josh is a baby vampire,

Aiden is in Klaus/Jackson's pack(?),

I don't really pay attention to the plot or the dynamics,

And even when they have less on-screen chemistry than Sterek,

I'm just glad they're canon.

And no need for dramatics flair,

They're just like...

Clique together.

Holding hands,

Soft smirks,

Stealing glances (and kisses),

It's just so cute it hurts.

Well, 

Until Dahlia decided to kill Aiden,

(Why is it always the ones with name "Aiden" has to die? Seriously!)

When he and Josh finally wants to leave the coven and the pack,

To start living together,

Just by being them.

By being a couple.

Not the old nemesis they were supposed to be,

Like the Montague versus Capulet,

And the star-crossed lovers caught in between.

Of course they didn't get their happy ending.

OF COURSE.

But hey,

If it's any consolation,

My baby Isaac was in the series.

Without his golden curls,

And a snarky attitude (which I guessed he got from his pack Mom cough*STILES*cough),

British accent,

And since when my Golden Pup Isaac left the Hale pack,

Got a new makeover,

And turned from a Beta werewolf into a druid/magical creature(?)???

Haiya.

Jeff frickin' Davies,

Listen up.

This is how Derek and Stiles should be.

Without getting died part.

Priorities

I guess I'm experiencing what my friends used to experience before.
Putting my priorities first,
Or others first.

I really don't want to go to EDU class anymore.
I'm sick of Suryani's face.
Her existence is enough to make me barf
Like a cow dung horned by flies.
If ya get what I mean.

My priority is going to SMK Manir,
And watch my babies perform.
But what my friends see,
The priority is my presence,
During EDU class.

Because if I bail,
Then I don't know where my priority lies.
I left my task for them to handle,
And I left them to present the frickin' I-Think alone.

I need to know where OUR priority lies,
Not just my own.

Goddamn Suryani.

Living Is Tiring, How About Death?

We Muslims believe in afterlife.
Before the afterlife starts,
There are things that we need to redeem,
In the field of Mahsyar.

I feel like living itself is a test.
Not just the absence of love in my heart,
Not just living as a young adult,
Not just the temptation of the world,
Not even the annoying existence of Suryani.

Living is tiring.

But if living is tiring,
What about the eternal life?
How can I assure myself,
That I'm qualified enough,
To live leisurely in the afterlife?

I can't.
And that is the most terrifying thing I ever imagined.

I'm just a villain,
Whose story was untold.
We all are.

I promise.

I still have the letter.
I'd burn everything else,
I threw it all away.

Not the letter.

I promise,
If I ever get married,
I'll burn the letter too,
Along with the memories,
Along with the grudge,
Along with the feelings,
Along with all my love.

But right now,
Let it be mine.

Let it be the tiniest evidence,
That I once loved,
Being loved,
And broken.