Defense

My only defense is my ability to run away from troublesome situation by making myself invisible.

I'd shut myself off,
I'd block them far away,
I'll ignore every calls and texts,
And I drive everyone away by being insufferable.

Right now,
Even before everything starts,
My own very defense mechanism,
Shouts "run away as far as you can".

Granted,
Before I got anxious and pantsed in my brain haemorrhage,
All these amused me so.

But after awhile,
It got superficial,
And I just wants to shut this off,
And run away.

I got scared.
And I think of getting away.
I am just so scared.
And scarred.

Marriage: Yay Or Nay?

I've been proposed,
Or in Malay literal sense;
"Dirisik - slash - dipinang".

There were two guys,
I don't know either of them.
It was the parents that drove me to the brick of insanity.

Guy 1:
During my cousin's wedding,
His Dad got a glimpse of me,
And probably thought I was good for his unmarried 29-year old son,
So my uncle is playing Cupid for both parties right now.

Guy 2:
The Mother saw me during one of my tarawikh at home,
And straightforwardly ( and may I say, relentlessly) pursued Mum,
For my hand in marriage,
For his unwed 30- year old son (WTF?).

I was baffled by this news,
For a month ago,
I was planning my solitary life with my sister,
And this nip in the bud was..
A bit thrown off from my previous track.

My friends told me not to think about it too much,
What happen will happen.

But this is me we're talking about.
I'm an over - thinker,
So as per usual,
This upsets me so.

I weighed the options,
I asked for my friends' opinions,
But in the end,
All I can ever muster,
Was "eff it all".

Previously,
I thought I had two choices.
Marry Guy 1 or Guy 2,
After the taaruf of course.

But awhile ago,
I made a new choice between the two,
Which is option 3;
I could choose neither,
And continue with my original goal.

I don't know,
I don't know anything anymore.

I really wish I would not have think of this deeply,

I wish I could just shut my brain off,

And just let the path takes its course,

Or maybe just takes off and run away from this insanity.

Gay Family versus Teenage Pregnancy

I recently had a conversation with my sister,
About gay families versus teenage pregnancy.

Religiously speaking,
I cannot abide by this unnatural occurrence.
Principally,
It is one of my strongest point.

Gay families,
Because they were not able to conceive,
The moment they decided to have children,
Is the time when they are ready.

They are ready for 18 years of constant worrying,
Of midnight cries,
Of changing diapers every frickin' time,
Of crankiness,
Of teething,
Of love.

They are ready to love another human being.
It doesn't matter through surrogacy,
Or adoption,
But it means that the child is loved,
The child is wanted.

But teenage pregnancy,
It is a result of an accident,
Not the readiness of the parent.

There is no guarantee the child will be loved,
Much less taken care of.

So why is there any convictions toward gay families,
But teen parents who can barely take care of themselves,
Are not shun upon?

Our society is full of messed up, twisted people.

It doesn't matter if you have both Mamas and both Papas,

If you're ready to love someone unconditionally,

You're a great parent,

Your sexual orientation doesn't define your quality as a good parent.

It's All Her

Mum: There is this guy -
Me: No. NOPE. N to the frickin' O.
Mum: Why aren't you normal like any other 23 year old girl who WANTED to get married?
Me: Well at least I make money, unlike those NORMAL girls who can't get their panties on for a minute and itching to get married using their parents' money.

I lost hope for when Mum ALWAYS call me her "abnormal species of a daughter".
Welp,
I knew I was abnormal even before she pointed it out.

They thought the reason I don't want to get married,
Is because of my prejudice towards love and marriage.
Well,
It is true,
But not limited to the aforementioned to..

There is one thing that I am too proud to admit.

Mum herself.

She is one of the reasons I don't want to get married.
And the reason keeps getting stronger,
After what happened this morning.

The fucking fucktard made Mum cry.

The only time I made Mum cry was when I got my SPM result.
Even when I was a bratty asshole,
I only made her royally pissed.
Never cry.
And I don't intend to.

Mum cries,
And every bone in my body ache to transfer her misery,
Her sadness to me.
I am already broken,
A few scars here and there won't make any difference.
But Mum,
I never wanted her to be sad because of the fucktard.
It's not worth it.

I want to become the one,
Who soothe her pain,
Who will give her everything she wants,
Who will be the one to lift her to Jannah,
Who will be able to make her want to go everywhere she wants,
Because she deserves it,
And so much more.

Because it is her.
It is always been her.

Forgotten

Today was Anikh's wedding day.
I should feel a bit anxious,
Knowing that we are of the same age,
Being cousins and all,
Yet he surpassed me in marriage.

But I don't feel that at all.
I know I am not adequate enough,
In being someone's wife,
Albeit wanting to be a mother so much.

I am not quite mature enough,
I still argue with my siblings,
Even when the issue is trivial and insignificant.
Sometimes I rage on Mia when she misbehaves.
Reflecting on my actions,
That is not a mature person would do.
And I am not mature enough to be involved with marriage.

Also,
When I was jogging,
I tried to remember HIS face,
But it occured to me,
That I can't remember his face.
I remembered his voice though.
But not his face.

I couldn't forget everything he ever was,
But I couldn't even remember how he looked like.

Stop

"Please stop giving me hope,
If you were to shatter it one day."

Is what I would say when someone offers me hope,
In a hopeless life.

I wanted to say that I honestly don't care anymore,
That I am in charge of my life,
Of my feelings,
Of the step that I take.

But when people offers you hope,
You can't help but to feel it.

I don't want to feel hopeful,
I don't want to feel giddy about it,
And I don't want to lose what is important in my life.

My life.

Stop it,

Don't give me hope,

Let me be this way,

Please.

Edge

I'm scared of height.
Not because I thought I'd fall,
But because I thought I'd jump.

I'm scared of deep water.
Not because I thought I'd drown,
But because I thought I'd dive,
With a heavy rock strapped to my feet,
And I'd never resurface.

I'm scared of being behind the wheels,
Not because I thought I'd crash,
But because I thought I'd run straight ahead of the tree,
And watch my life fades.

Who knows what would I do,
If I had a knife in hand,
And a vulnerable wrist in front of me?

This recklessness is driving me to the edge of insanity.