Staying Strong

The flood of 2014 seems like will be overruling the flood of 2004.
I remembered during 2004,
The water barely came into the house,
Just shy of our doorstep.

There was a snake lingering in my bedroom.

We had to camp out at Tok Wan's house for a couple of days.

And this year,
The social media informed that the flood of Pantai Timur will trump over.
Many districts and counties have been defeated.
Kuala Krai,
Kota Bharu.

Now it's my hometown.
Tanah Merah.

It will be difficult.
Many obstacles to be faced.

I don't particularly mind,
Actually.

Because,
1) I will be with my family.
And when you're with family,
You can hurdle every obstacles thrown at you.
We shall stay strong.

2) If it means buffering for school to starts,

It is absolute wonderful.

One more week and school will start,

But if the flood isn't going to calm down till then,

Heh.

Who am I to argue?

3)Zetty is getting engaged tomorrow.

I wanted to see her being engaged.

But it seems like it is not our time to skedaddle and just go to Pulau Pinang.

May Allah ease everything.

The Wan Daud 's family is strong.

And we will overcome this.

We always do.

As long as I am with my family,

I will be strong.

Hand in hand,

We shall rule.

Flirting: Mars vs. Venus

Ricchan: I wish I was a girl. Then I don't have to woo boys, they'd come to me.

Me       :  I love you, but, dude, you're wrong.

Why is it less-than-adequate girls rarely gets attention than pretty girls?

But boys,

It doesn't matter if you are ugly,

Smelly odor,

Fat,

Douchebag,

Or even short.

Guys fall in love with what they see,

And girls fall in love with what they hear.

As long as the guys can flirt like Don Juan or Casanova,

Girls will definitely fall for them.

A sweet-talker.

And a bonus if the male is huge on money.

Girls,

Well,

It is expensive to be one.

No one would look at you if you are not pretty,

Everything has to be taken care of.

Hairs,

Face,

Skin,

Body portion,

Every physical aspects.

But what about attitude, 

Intelligence,

And religion?

That is another story.

But if you're telling me,

A man fell in love with your personality,

And not your physique,

He is a lying bastard,

And you are an idiot.

That is why,

It is easier for guys to have girls,

As long as they know what to say,

And when to say.

Girls,

It is frickin' expensive, bro.

Little Teeth

Got my teeth removed yesterday.
I have been dreading to pull it out of my system for so long,
That it relieved me as soon as I saw it on my dentist's hand.

What came next was the worst.

I had a massive headache,
I couldn't sleep,
I have no appetite (though I was really, really starving),
And I thought my low-blood pressure is killing me.

I couldn't move my body without a hint of nausea,
Feeling that something ripped my head off from my shoulders,
And I was extra prissy.

Is this normal?

Books Review: Swordhand - Omnibus, The Second Short Life of Bree Tanner

Hoo okay.
Two books in one review.
I slumped it together because after three days stuck with Marcus Sedgwick's "Swordhand",
I finished Stephenie Meyer's "The Second Short Life Of Bree Tanner" in 4 hours.

I distinctly remembered saying,
"No more vampirical crap!" after reading Swordhand.
But yet,
Unconsciously my hand reached out for TSSLOBT.

Swordhand held more darkness,
Yet so immature,
Because at one point,
Peter was just a kid,
And became an excellent hunter after many, many years.
And the children Sorrel and Marko,
Naive, young, and bitter.

It's just so different from White Crow and Midwinterblood,

The only thing that connects them all is the darkness poured into words.

Because this story is a novella from Twilight Saga,
We all know what happened to her at the end.
Yet it feels surreptitiously significant to know about Bree.
She really is just a child.
In human years,
In her second life.
If the Cullens could save her from Jane,
I wonder if she could live (almost) normally.

*sighs* I guess I need to find myself another drama novel.

Super Women

In this family, 
Women do more chores than men. 

Sure, 
My Daddy is the best Dad a girl could ask for.
He is my first love. 
My super hero.
Heck,
My Daddy is the greatest dad in the world. 

I don't think there are any men out there, 
Who would help his wife,
By sleeping late because he cleaned the dirty dishes,
Wakes up early in the morning to hang the clothes,
Teaches us how to read al-Quran,
Be the best Imam for us,
Remind us to be a good Muslim(at),
Doting in his daughters.

As I grow up, 
Daddy gets mellower. 
He used to be so strict,
But when my siblings and I gets older,
He treats us gentler, 
And I love him more and more.

Even Mum is jealous of us.

But in the family,
The boys are completely useless.
So the girls,
Meaning me and Husna,
Are the ones usually do the chores,
Even the ones that boys supposed to do.

Because of that, 
I became independent. 
I don't need men in my life,
Because I can do everything by myself.

I see them as burden.
A liability.
A nuisance.

My family taught me that I don't need a knight,
Or a prince charming.

My family taught me to be a superwoman.

I became a pessimist by experience,

But I am strong by choice.

Of Husband

I know I wrote about this topic in the previous blog, 
But I had to write it again. 

I don't feel so optimistic about being married. 

One, 
Why have a husband, 
When you are more capable of handling life than him?
Wouldn't he just be a burden in your life?
You have your life to take care of, 
And you have to take care of his too.

Two,
A liability. 
I know I am not yet married, 
And being so pessimistic towards marriage,
Maybe because I am not an optimist myself.

For me, 
Having a husband is just a burden to my life.
I have to listen to him, 
I have to take care of his needs, 
Do chores for him,
And in my head, 
That is just similar as to being a maid.

I might as well be one.

I look at my colleagues' in facebook,
Who are so eager to get married,
And who just recently married, 
I do not feel an ounce of jealousy in my heart.

Instead I feel that they are maybe too stupid for love,
Making hasty decisions,
And I kinda feel sorry for their freedom.

I value my freedom.
And not giving it away for some man, 
Who I do not know,
Whether he can take care of me,
Reciprocate my feelings the same amount I give him,
And still respect my passion.

Hah.
As if.

Men,
They want to complete their life,
By having a wife.
But have they consider themselves adequate,
To provide for their spouses?
If the food is not delicious,
Or the house is messy because the wife is working and exhausted,
The wife's physical is not as attractive as before,
Or every little thing that they whine about.

I dread for those things.

That is why,
I do not want to be in an oppressed relationships.
Men.
They want a perfect wife.
Do they redeem themselves perfect?

Go f*ck yourself.

Anime Review: Ookami Kodomo No Ame To Yuki

I tried watching this simply because Syakir redeemed it very worth it.
And I came back on wanting to be a single mother.

It was a great anime.
A good storyline.
Almost as good as Studio Ghibli.

I haven't watch animes for as long as I remember now,
And I can't say that I am good in reviewing animes more than books or movies.
It has the themes and plots that I have always wanted to watch,
Or write,
Depend.

Werewolves,
Checked.
 (Blame it on Teen Wolf, accurately on Derek and Stiles).

Single mothers trying to survive,
Checked.

Mother and children relationship,
Checked.

It's all everything I ever wanted in a story.

The only difference it makes,
Is that I chose to wanting to be a single parent,
While in this story,
She lost him.

In one story, 

My everything is told.

Book Review: Eleanor & Park

"Eleanor & Park" was my fourth book this week.
Huh,
Weird when you have so much nothing to do,
You could end up with heaps of books,
And still finish it just in days.

Remembering when I was stuck with finals for this sem,
And I still haven't finished "The Confession Of A Sociopath",
Because lots of things.

A couple of days ago,
I panicked.

I wasn't in relationships,
But knowing that my existence meant something to someone,
It felt like a burden.

I don't want to feel it.
I don't want to fall in love.
I don't want to love another human being besides myself.
I guess I am still not capable of loving,
And being loved.

I want him to stop waiting,
Stop liking me,
Find someone else,
Because I don't want to hurt him further.

But he and Kakak Tasnim were similar to each other.
He knows this is all on him,
He would take the burden of loving someone,
Because he knows the risk of falling in love.
Kakak Tasnim explained the same to me.

Back to "Eleanor & Park",
I wished not to read that book,
Because it made me remember loving someone more than yourself,
A bittersweet teenage love.

How could someone who never existed in your life,
Became the one who mattered the most?
I guess Park never realized that.

I thought he would never know if he didn't offer Eleanor his seat that moment.

Why did her peculiarities makes him fell in love with her more?
Her weirdness,
Her sarcasm,
And he notices every single things that she doesn't.

The way she smells like vanilla.
He thought of her Joker-y smile was adorable,
While his friend Cal thought it was creepy.

And her.
The way she sees the world differently after meeting Park.
That her everything centered around him.
She feels like there are still some good things in this world except for her life,
Because of Park.

It's weird when you fall in love with someone,
You see other people don't.

And why does that only happens in books?
*sighs*

They met in the worst way possible.

He was ashamed of her, for her.

She was not.

She thought nothing of him, except for being an Asian.

And they became the world for each other.

of Sebastian and Mel

He keeps calling me "princess" lately. 
I think it is his term of endearment. 
But something feels off.
I don't know. 
Like a piano tune that lost one of its resonance, 
And truthfully, 
I don't know how to respond to that term of endearment.

Sometimes I wish I had the guts to tell him not to call me that. 

I just finished reading the third installment of "The Farm" trilogy.
When I first read the book, 
I thought the main protagonist was Lily. 
How she managed to survive with only Mel, her twin by her side.
Then came Carter in the picture.

As I read more and more of the trilogy, 
I became drawn to Mel more than Lily.
The autistic girl with the talent of distinguishing music,
The twin who sacrificed herself for her sister, 
And revived as a vampire.
The angry vampire who was taken under Sebastian's wings,
Became his pawn in killing Roberto,
And then so much more.

Sebastian was, 
At first an annoying know-it-all 2000-years-old vampire,
Who was a blurry image in the first two books.
He lived long enough to know better.

But you cannot escape in loving someone.

He barely tolerate Mel at first,
Took her in as his protegé,
And with her stubbornness and kind-heartedness,
He fell in love again.
Stupid even.

"This is what he'd done to himself to stay by Mel's side. This was the pain he'd been in for her. " - Carter

Sebastian merely took her in when he knew she was an abductura. 
After he turned her into a vampire,
He barely tolerated her because of the promise he made to Carter.
He fell in love with the vampire-Mel.
And still in love with her after she return back to the autistic-Mel.

For a 2000-year old man,
He could be so stupid.

Again.

We have no mutual interest.
Nothing in common.

I am a bookworm.
A movie maniac.

He is a football-crazed person.

I fell in love with this person,
And I am scared if I fell in too deep,
I won't be able to let go.
Again.

And I am terrified if I love him too fast,
The feelings would dissipates with time.
And I will take it for granted again.

Even when I was in previous relationships,
I hold on to my heart too protective,
I have no qualms letting them go.

Because I was in doubt.

But I am scared if I like him,
He would have all my weaknesses,
And he could use it against me.

I am terrified that I pine on him,
Just because of the situation right now.

So please,
Don't make me love you too much.
I don't want to feel helpless again.

Before I focus on you,

My heart was already shattered to pieces,

And I had no plan to mend it back again.

You came and it makes me to want to start loving again.

I am scared.

Come Hither

I tried to close my heart.
Most of the times,
I succeeded.

I filled the emptiness,
With books,
With writings,
With songs.

I thought by making myself invisible,
People would not notice me,
Behind the corner of my class,
Behind my earphones,
Behind my cryptic words.

I hurt myself by not letting go,
I hurt other people by being indecisive.

I still wonder to this day,
Why would guys want me.
After they saw and hear the catastrophe I brought,
And still want to have me.

Even when I was alone,
I was happy.

I didn't play with someone's heart,
I didn't hurt someone,
I was in my own world.

I am scared of people trying to have what's left of me,
Trying to put pieces of my heart back together,
When I was so happy,
Even if it hurts.

I thought by scattering my broken heart away,
Lock it up,
And be this dark depressed person,
I would be happy,
Because you can't break something that is already broken.

They tried to put my heart back together,
So they could break it again?

Is that what it is? 

What The Absolute Hell?

He talks about marriage,
And I panicked.

I Goddamned panicked.

I'm not even ready for a relationship,
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GOING ON WITH MARRIAGE??!

I need to be alone.
I need to be far away from him.

I can't.
I'm scared.
No,
Just..
No.

No marriage.
No.

This Feeling

I thought by befriending someone who likes me,
Will make it better than went head-first into a relationship,
And resulting me breaking people's hearts,
Again and again.

How wrong was I.

I loved Ritsu.
I've always wanted to be like him.
But I'm more to Kisa.

In life,
I know what I want,
But then again,
I had doubts,
Second thoughts,
And "what if"s.

I am scared,
Of the people who likes me,
Will be a hindrance of me getting what I want.

I feel like it was such a stupid thing to do,
When I said I was thankful for the gift.

Look what happened to Zafik.
He couldn't let go.

And Chai.
He wouldn't give up.

And Aliff Afify.
I liked him well enough to be friends,
But then I don't really know,
Since when did I gave him hope,
Even when we are not in relationship.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of these people.
I want to be left alone.

Leave me alone.

of Feelings.

I am comfortable with Chai, 
But I think I am falling for Aliff.

It is still so early, 
We are in friendship phase, 
But I know he has feelings for me,
And I still haven't return his feelings.
I am not ready for it.

I am not ready for a relationship,
But I think I can wait, 
If he is worth for it.

So I guess now we are in heart-to-heart relationship,
Where friendship is included,
No strings attached, 
But we wait for each other.

I do like Chai. 
I can be a goofball around him.
But not to the extension where feelings and serious relationship are included.
I just hope he would give up sooner or later.

With Aliff, 
I don't want to jinx our friendship with a serious relationship, 
Because he himself is not good in it,
But if I can wait for him, 
I will wait.

Of Choices

I didn't want to write about it,
Because I was afraid I would jinx it.

But when I confronted Him for the closure I needed,
I was actually befriended someone.

One of the main reasons I need the closure,
Is for me to open up wholly to someone again.
A chance to love properly again.

Then entered Faizal and Aliff Afify in my life.

How ironic was it,
During my PPISMP year,
I used to say the traits I wanted in a husband,
Are Kelantanese and older than me.
Which suits Faizal the most.

When Allah SWT finally granted my wish,
I hesitated.

Because my heart was focused on someone else.
Someone who gave up on me,
Someone who is the reason I am depressed,
Someone who makes me the person I am today.

Now that I am trying to live again,
He makes me comfortable with him.

I was able to be a child again.
Be an idiot.

About Aliff Afify,
I am still wary of him,
Still guarded.
But the girls didn't know about our friendship.

I don't want to mar it with their opinions.
So I kept it a secret.

He is a new friend,
And I don't know what path God has for us,
The three of us,
But I am happy,
Because what almost killed me,
Gave me strength to smile right now,
Love.

Of Them.

Recently,
I cannot quench this feeling,
That somehow I made a mistake towards my friends.

The atmosphere seemed tense,
But I cannot fathom what wrong did I do to them.

Maybe I was delusional,
Maybe I overthink about this,
But I don't really care anymore,
If I were to be left alone again.

One year left and all this will be just a long memory of my late-teen years,
And I will laugh about it,
Or face-palm myself because of idiocracy,
And the absurdity of it.

But for now,
I want to breathe again,
I want to live again,
And I want to stop punishing myself,
Just because someone gave up on me,
I don't want to give up on myself.

One door has closed,
But it opened up two more doors.

Later.

For now,

I just wants to sort everything out again,

My life,

My mind,

My heart.

A start.

That's all I want.

New Book

I had my answers couple of days ago.

It hurts,
Knowing it firsthand.

But it is a closure I needed.

He was not the one for me.

He was the experience that I needed to  open my eyes,
Get up,
And walk again.

I created this blog to open up a new book.
Not a new chapter,
A new book.

Because the book that has the name Mursyidi Osman,
Has ended.
It reached the final stop.