An Old Friend

Distance and I,
We're old companions.

We don't always be with each other,
But I could count on it,
When I need it.

Distance.
The perfect way to lose someone..
Using "distance" as an excuse,
To slip away from some people's lives,
And fade into the background.

It doesn't matter if you love someone so much,
Or how highly you think of them,
How close you keep them to your heart,
But when the time comes,
I'll hold hand with distance,
And say good bye to those I held dear.

So many excuses I could use.
With distance,
So easy to make them forget,
And forgetting.

Dear Husband

It's been awhile, 
I guess.
Since we've been busy moving on with life,
While preparing for Widget's arrival.
Yes,
I'm still adamant in believing Bean is a boy.
But doesn't mean I'm going to love them less,
If Widget turns out to be Poppet.
This is just a maternal instinct.

Before you,
I've spent so many times,
Self-pitying,
Abusing my emotions and my mind,
Playing with people's hearts,
So they would bleed like me.

Both me and Dila,
We've been hurt the same way,
But she chose to hurt herself,
While I chose to hurt others.

I hope she is happy now.
Because I can genuinely say "I am happy".

I have you,
Who treats me like a queen,
When I undermined myself for so long,
I forgot how it feels to be cherished.

I have you,
Who whispers love to me every day,
Even when I couldn't reciprocate it,
But your love never falters anyway.

I have you,
Who treats me equally,
But still cherish me,
When I thought men only see women as weak creature.

I have you,
Who sew my heart together,
Who gives me all the things I'd never imagine having,
Who my sister could finally accept.

Thank you.

Will Never Be Enough

Ever since I started my job,
I've had this mindset in my mind,
About all the things I want to do,
Want to buy,
For my parents.

I just realized,
Even with all my wealth,
Even if I sell all my organs,
I will never be able to reciprocate my parents' love.

All I do will never be enough.

But that doesn't mean I will stop.

Husband got a massive fever,
And with me being pregnant,
Umi and Abah took CRK to come to Perak with us.

They stayed for a night,
Sent Faez to clinic while I was in school,
And had to drive 7 hours back to Kelantan.

I just want to cry.
Cry and be forever in their embrace.
I'm married and is going to be a mother,
But still is a small child whenever it comes to Umi and Abah.

I've hurted them so many times,
When I was a child and in my adolescence,
But their love never faltered.

I know I will never be half the parent they are,
That is why I am scared if one day,
I don't know what to do with my life,
If I lose them when Allah SWT decides to invite them.

Little Bean

I can't wait to know whether you'll be a Poppet or a Widget.

You're so loved,
And there are so many I want for you.

I want for you to be healthy,
I want you to be pious,
I want you to be respectful towards everyone,
I want you to be Soleh / Solehah.

I want you to be happy.

I want you to have compassion towards the poor,
Towards the disabled,
Towards everyone who does not have what you have.

I want you to be generous,
Whether with smiles,
Or sharing your things,
Never count the stuffs you don't have,
And be grateful for the ones you have.

I want you to be gentle to yourself,
Not just others.

I want you to know you'll never be alone,
That we have our Lord giving us His blessing,
I want you to be nice to the girls (if you're a boy),
And never degrade yourself ( if you're a girl or a boy).

I want to know you're worth the same with other people,
You're not less,
And do not have riya',
Always be happy.
Find Allah and happiness will be bestowed upon you.

I love you.

Tok Mi and Tok Bah wants you here already,

Your aunts and uncles are waiting for you,

And though you're making Ibu's sense go upside down,

I love you.

Alone In A World Of Two

In a world of two,
I feel alone.

In a world of two,
I feel burdened.

In a world of two,
I am tired.

In a world of two,
I am miserable.

*****~*****

It was just an overwhelming feeling,
But now marcid is accompanying,
My heart longs for a home,
My soul is crying for its alone.

*~*

I don't know if this is pregnancy hormone talking,
Or I'm just very very tired.

Tired of this all.

It feels all the things I'm scared in a marriage,
My previous phobia of doing everything alone,
Becomes a reality.

In a world of two,
It feels all responsibility fell on me.

In a world of two,
It feels I'm walking on eggshells,
Making everyone happy,
While I'm falling apart.

I can't undo this.

And it feels so much heavier,
Now that I have nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide,
Nowhere to be left alone,
And breathe for awhile.

I want home.

Disillusioned

No, I'm not okay.
But if I fake it all,
Or pretend that everything is,
And bury my feelings deep beneath,
Till I'm sure they're underneath it all,
It's gonna be okay.

I answer questions with another question,
Because if I lie,
It will be blatantly obvious.
If I answer truthfully,
I just doesn't want to argue.
I don't want to face arguments,
And I don't want it to be hurtful.

Such as piercing words.

So no.
I am not okay.
But I will not say it aloud.

Forgiveness? For What? Happiness?

What in the world should I be apologizing for?
FOR BEING HAPPY?
FOR HAVING SOMEONE TO LOVE ME?
FOR HAVING SOMEONE TO CALL MINE?
TO NOT WALLOW IN SADNESS AND SELF-PITYING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I get what do I need to apologize for.
For not taking account her feelings and opinions in matter.

But do ask this;
Why do someone who kept silent about their lives,
Wanted to get on in with others' lives?

It's all in the same circle.
What goes around, comes around, buddy.

If you never share what's eating you,
But expects people to do that,
Isn't that unfair?

I really don't care anymore.

If someone who thinks they can do everything on their own,
Who could live on their own,
Who has THAT mindset for the rest of their lives,
Living that way,
Thinking about people hurting them,
And not them hurting others,

Be my guest.

I don't care.

You could live,
You could die,
You could turn the other cheek around,
Live your life,
And everything will be fine.

Whatever Suits You

What do you want,
Actually?

Is this prissy attitude of you,
Meant to piss me off,
Or you still cannot accept that I'm freakin' married?

Is it still about the room?
You think that me occupying the room,
Diminished your sanctuary?

If it is,
Fine.
I won't come home when you're there.

I need to know,
If this asshole-attitude of yours,
Means that you're trying to accept me and him,
Or is it permanent.

If it's just a phase of adjustment,
I'll give you time.
If you're thinking of being this prissy forever,
I can just treat you the way I treat the fucktard.

I'll just treat like you doesn't exist.

So which is it?

I know you feel like I'm dissing you out.

I'm not.

Just because I have to make him my priority,
Doesn't mean I'll love you less.

I've lost my best friends.
I've lost those who thinks,
When I'm married,
That it's gonna be game over.
That I don't worth the friendship any longer.
Are you trying to make me lose you too?

I won't love you less.
You're the one who think it like that.

I've always think,
If I have to love him 100%,
I'll just have to love you 110%,
And love Umi and Abah 1000%.

I don't know how to subtract in love.
I just know how to add.

So tell me,
Do you want time,
Or do you want to lose me?

Because loving you is hard,
But I still do.

Ignoring you,
Forgetting you exist,
Excluding you in everything,
To the point where I hate you,
That's easy.
Even though it hurts,
It's easy as closing my eyes,
And not seeing you at all.

Freaking Out

HOW DO I WIFE???

No, seriously.
Not a rhetorical question.

How do I wife?
I don't know how to wife.
What if I suck in this wife business?
What if I fail miserably and humiliated myself?

What if I made a fool out of myself?

Is this really it?
Am I gonna end my lazy single life like this?
How do I take care of someone else?
I'm not even sane,
Or adult enough to take care of myself!
If I were to take care of a goldfish,
It'll die within a week!

I will accidentally kill my husband.
And will be sentenced to jail,
Probably for arson,
Or poisoning him.

Oh my Lord..

Oh my Goodness Lord.

Fine.
I'm already miserable my whole life.
They won't take anything from me,
When I already have nothing.

(No, don't go there, self.
You'll jinx things, again.)

Come hell or high water,
I will brave this with all the sanity I have,
Or what's left of it, 
Anyway.

The Wrong Calculation

When you thought the people who knows you,
More than you understand yourself,
Turns out to be a stranger,
What do you do?

I am so lost.

So,
This is it, 
Then.

I thought I had my priorities right.

I was wrong.

My first calculations were wrong,
From the very beginning.

I put others first too much,
And having small circle of trusted ones,
Made me rely on them too much.

Why did I forgot?

I am tired.
So tired of people come and go as they please.

I don't care anymore,
About people who doesn't want to be in my life.
I've lost those who mean the world to me,
And granted,
It hurts,
But I'm still living.

So this is it.

The end of the book starts now.
I have to plot the epilogue now.

Then And Now

Then:
I'm gonna try living with such positivity and optimism.

Now:
Oh, hey. I haven't killed myself yet. Sweet.

*~*

Then:
I'm gonna die alone, devoured by my 10 hungry cats.

Now:
My fiancé makes too many plans. I'm gonna sleep all day.

*~*

Then:
I'm not gonna get married. Marriage is an oppression against women.

Now:
I take back my previous prejudice. My future husband is awesome.

*~*

Then: 
I'm not gonna get stuck in Degree level. I have to go higher.

Now:
Resolution not changed.

*~*

Then:
I need sleep 25 hours a day.

Now:
I need sleep 30 hours a day.

*~*
Then: 
I wanna travel and live somewhere far.

Now:
I want home. Kelantan.

*~*
Then:
Heartbreaks are the most hurtful.

Now:
I survived heartbreaks. Well done, me! (Though not without scars)

*~*

Then:
Who cares about appearance? I'm hanging out with my girls wearing this GERKO shirt.

Now:
As long as no one detects my used shirt,  I am saved.

*~*

To Pass The Time

I am not that needy otaku shut in or anything,
But I do obsess with some.
But usually the oldies.

Lately I've been starting on Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles OVA,
And Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood,
To pass the the time,
Before I come home,
For Kakak's wedding.

The same thing I did when I was waiting,
For time to fly,
During my engagement.

I watched Shaman King day and night,
Just so that my eyes won't dart to the clock,
Or checking the calendars,
To see whether the days went by.

It's hard when you miss home so much.

It's Okay

It has been a challenging week.

I've lost my two best friends.
Granted,
It hurts,
But then, 
I gained a new one.

The one who will never wander,
Who I will have no qualms on kissing his face,
Or cuddle him till he's breathless,
A bestfriend that will be with me till the end,
A bestfriend that will scold me when I do wrong,
A bestfriend that will help me hide the body (along with my baby sis),
A bestfriend that will argue with me on the ride,
A bestfriend called "husband".

Because he'll be the center of my world.

It's okay,
Because I have him.

I always wanted a love life like Mary and Tim in "About Time".

It was a simple,
Silent love yet a profound connection between them.

I wanted to make it work with him.

In syaa Allah we will.

We didn't get three days starting yesterday,
Mainly because I want him to focus on his interview,
But Allah made me miss him so very much,
It's about the same par of missing my family and girls.

On our last talk,
I realized,
He said "I love you" three times,
Three days worth of "I love you"s.

I don't know how it's possible to fall further in love,
But I just did.
I've been broken for so long,
I hope this time,
He'll mend my broken parts,
And make it function again.

And right now,
There's an overflowing fondness for him.
For my fiance.

It's nice having you in my heart, 

Among my other beloveds.

The Price I Have To Pay

I'm losing them.

I'm losing my friends,
For a married life.

This is the price that I have to pay.

I think, 
This is Allah's way to show me,
That people doesn't stay,
No matter how important they are,
No matter how much you love them.

I'm not angry.
I used to understand this concept,
But I guess I forgot about it,
The more I mature  grow up.

I called Ricchan last night.
It's not Ricchan anymore.
He's not mine anymore.
He's Irfan.
Then where does that leave Amir then?
My Psyduck?
I thought he'd always be my partner in crime
The Wolverine to my Deadpool.
But I guess even friendship has its expiry date.
I wasn't ready for that.
I wasn't ready to let go off my sanctuary yet.
My girls?
I understand that I have a leader now.
But I never understood the part,
Where I have to leave my beloveds.

I don't want to leave.

And I see that the people that I put before me,
In anything and everything else,
Just live.
It's like removing a thorn,
After you felt that little prick,
You forget about it.

Allah knew I put my friends above everything else,
Other than my family.
It's a sacrifice I have to bear,
To start a family of my own.

So should I slowly,
Extricate myself from them?
Walk away in a hushed steps,
So they won't realize when I'm finally gone?

Is this a price I have to pay?
For loving other people more than I love myself?

On Allah's Words

It's been hectic with the wedding preparations,
And school lately,
I have two lives to juggle,
Couldn't maintain this one.

It occurred to me,
That everything is on Allah's words.

I mean,
Look at me.
Out of many many times I've been saying "No" to marriage,
When Allah opened my heart,
It all goes smoothly,
In syaa Allah.

Me,
The one who is prejudice and look at everything so negatively,
Who doesn't even want to let go of my single life,
Is starting a family of my own,
The first of my girls.

I've been consoling Kakak Tasnim for awhile now,
How things go south for her.
She was a 360 degree different than I am.
The one who wanted to get hitched as soon as possible.
But as the day counts,
She started having doubts,
And all of those negative vibes came on to her.

I guess it's different when you're prepared,
Or you just wanted to run away from your current life by being married.
I hope she can make it through this,
Together with Fabilal.

Because when Allah says "kun faya kun",
Nothing can stop it.

To My Fiancé, Muhd Faez Idham bin Roslan...

Bismillah hirrah maa ni rrahim..

To you,
Whom I will never be sure to read this.
Because somehow, 
It seemed too private.

I had a feeling,
That this,
Our engagement period will be a patience-testing one.

I was never a patient person.
I hope Allah can be more forgiving in this quest for us.

Dear you,
I have never found someone like you.
Someone who could match my soul,
Yet has his own personality.

Someone who knows what he wants,
Who I am sure, In syaa Allah,
Will be able to soothe my raging waves,
Who will be able to pull me from the blistering darkness,
Who could teach me to love again.

I am not a good person.
Because I was so used to being the superior to those who were infatuated by me.
It felt wrong,
But I couldn't help it.
I knew it was wrong.

But you're different.
You're your own person.
I couldn't read you,
It still feels like I'm in the first chapter,
And everything is still so overwhelming.

You who is sui generis in any way possible.
Who is so similar,
Yet so different.

Who tries everything,
Without even trying.

Who just...
Clicked.

It will be a long journey before our new book is published.
The epilogue of our single lives.
There will be hurdles,
And sometimes I will be unbearable,
But I will love you,
If you love me for me.

                                                                             Truly yours.

One Step Forward

I'm getting engaged.

I'M GETTING ENGAGED.

Still hoping that would sink in.

I mean, 
The farthest I've ever been was "almost - merisik" from Rozairi's Mum.
And after that,
I just gave up.

I don't even know,
People kept commenting that,
"You'll meet someone you will never feel bored with",
Or,
"Someone who Allah knows will tried to be happy together with you."

I don't know yet.
So I can't tell anyone anything what we're going through.
We didn't undergo the couple phase ( nor we wanted to),
And went straight to merisik last week,
And in two weeks,
I'm someone's fiancee.

I was afraid I might be rushing things,
Because kakak Tasnim also has just been engaged.

The three inseparable - who - have - unhealthy - codependent - relationship trio.

But Alhamdulillah,

I feel at ease.

I know Allah knows what is best for me.

In syaa Allah,

Whatever happens,

I will accept anything with redha.

And I know he would need to take "someone"s heart too.

She's too stubborn to accept anyone since Syidi.

And I hope he will.

He's as crazy as we are,

After all.

I don't want to have to choose between the people I love,

So I'm hoping everything will go smoothly from now on.

And although I've read blogs saying the hardest voyage will be during the engagement,

Ours will be longer than Kakak Tasnim,

Hers is 2 months away from the Capital Big Day,

While mine would be, In Syaa Allah 4 - 5 months period.

May Allah ease everything.

Two more weeks.

AHAHAHAHA.

I need a therapy session, please.

Do You Really

Mum called last night,
Informing me that my fiancé-to-be,
Is coming this Saturday.

Why didn't he tell me?

Is this supposed to be a surprise or something?

Let me tell you about surprises.
I hate it.

I remembered when Syidi made a decision on his own to let me go,
Without discussing things with me,
Deciding my fate,
Our fate,
Simply because he thought it was for the best.

I started writing because of a broken heart.

I am so sick of people who claimed they love me,
But excluding me in making decisions,
Deciding on their own,
For what they think is the best.

If they loved me at the first place,
They would remember to include me.

I hate it.

Nur Tasnim's E-Day

Finally.
She has stepped the first mileage in becoming a wife.
My other half.

I'm happy.
I'm genuinely happy that I don't have to be concerned for her anymore.
I'm happy that someone will,
In syaa Allah come and love her more than we do.

But I've never experienced letting go before.

Ever since Tok Wan.

I mean,
Of course,
We've had weddings before in our family.
Abang Long,
Abang Ngah,
Abang Cik,
Tati,
Aten,
Kak Murni,
Kak Pia..
etc..

But she is not just our close relatives.
She is one - third of THE THREE STOOGES.

Me, Amar, Kakak Tasnim.

It was always the three of us.
From infancy,
Till now.

I'm experiencing a feeling,
Where a parent is giving her child to someone in marriage.
Friendly reminder that this is only her engagement.
I wonder how it will  feel when it's the real deal.
I'm so scared of people walking away.
I'm scared of letting go.

A New Life

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahim..

I am officially a teacher now.
But the nagging feeling behind my back..
This is terrifying.
Because being alone,
It scares me.

Without my family,
It makes me helpless.

I know I have to be brave.
I know I have to endure.
But right now...
I just want my family back.

It's okay,
I will be okay as long as I have my family.
You can throw me anywhere,
As long as they're by my side.

I just want my family near me.
I can't go on breaking down in the middle of driving anymore.
I just want them,
Please.

Hafizi Saari and Stranded

I've been awfully close to Piji lately.
We chatted a lot,
And we teased each other a lot.

I was scared.

What if it will turn sour?
What if there will be feelings involved?
What if we wanted to be more than friends?

I want a bond with someone like I did with Amir.

Amir was my Kent.
He was the Dr.Jekyll to my Mr.Hyde.

No one will replace Amir.
But I want a relationship with a guy,
Who won't involve lust feelings.

I want a relationship where I loved them.
Mutual understanding,
Trust,
Friendship.

So I met with Piji today.
Call it our "not-date".
It was great.
Though it scared me that I was the first female he ever went out with.

Not even when he was with Jannah.

I'm trying to be positive.
Maybe he will be like I am with Abid.
Bro-sis relationship.

I'm counting on it.

And right now I'm stranded in Pekan Tanah Merah.
Because I parked my car in the RedWalk night market.
So here I am.
Lounging alone in Masjid Besar,
Waiting for Isyak.

It is kinda weird that I don't feel scared,
Nor panicked.
Because it is home.
Hometown.
Where my heart resides.
It's not much,
But it's home.

2016 Resolutions

I swore to myself not to make those stupid resolutions anymore.
Heck,
I forgot about resolutions the day I entered IPG KDRI.
I only wanted to survive then.

Right now,
When the first point of my life as a working person starts,
New year resolutions doesn't seem so bad.

Wan Nur Farhana's 2016 (I'm 24!) Resolutions;

1. Get a grip on my temper. Stop yelling at children if mad. Be calm and patient.
2. Start see things different way, not only in negative perspective.
3. Learn al-Quran. Not just read, but understand the words.
4. Spend more time on the sajjadah.
5. Exercise.
6. Go travel, at least twice a year.
7. Breathe.
8. If depressed, read al - Quran.
9. Mini library.
10. At least 3 bank accounts.
11. Charities.
12. Survive Masters first.
13. Live.
14. Forgive.
15. Cats. At least 4 of 'em.
16. Buy a PC/PS4. Can't play games without it.
17. It's okay to be sad.
18. It's okay if you screw up.
19. Make amends.
20. It's okay to indulge yourself (sometimes).

I'm ready.

Ready to go farther,

Ready to fly higher,

Ready to leave everything behind,

And start anew.

Vulnerability

I've lost count how many days I wasted away since the incident.
Granted,
Obstinate and I,
We go hand in hand.

Egotism and I,
We are one of the same.

But it is not like I did not try.
I did.
They did not accept.

What else should I do,
If people did not accept?

I've lost count on how many times,
I wished I could disappear.
I've lost count on how many times,
I wished I was dead.

I had not left my bed,
Only for trivial things.
I stopped caring for anyone,
And stopped caring for my own.

The inevitability of being hurt,
They pretty much what I am.

I am just so done.