Stitch In Time

Rozairi contacted me recently.
He said he thought deeply about this,
About us.

But when we broke it off a couple months ago,
I never had second thoughts about it anymore.
I was happy.

Then "he" happened.
And I had doubts.
I never was the one to make up my mind on one's thing,
But I had doubts.

Many people sans my sister,
Told me to accept him.
That I will never find a man,
Who is as nice and kind as he is.

It was never him.
It was me.

As cliché as it is,
I am the problem.
I am not gonna drag a normal man to the abyss of insanity with me.

He deserves better.
A good woman.

I am not.

I am a broken, messed up piece of shattered, delirious lunatic.

And I am perfectly happy being a demented crackers.

Freedom

"What do you get by being unmarried?"

My freedom.

I don't have to change my appearances to please a man.
I can wear my sweatpants and my ruffled t-shirt.

I don't have to be guilty if I wake up late for breakfast.
I don't have to prepare a proper meal that no one will appreciate.

I can go anywhere without feeling afraid someone might disapprove.
I can read and buy books without counting the bills for my responsibility.
I will have time for myself.

I don't have to try take care of my in-laws' feelings.
I don't have to take care of anyone else beside myself and my family's.

I am free of responsibility.
I am free of heartbreaks.
I am free of heartaches.
I am free of arguments.

I am myself.

I can be myself.

Not Yet

It's just an opinion of one person.
Yeah,
Sometimes I get carried away,
With the prospect of having little me(s),
With a stable income,
A white picket fence kind of life.

I am not going to lie.

I wanted that life.

Just not now.
Right now,
I want to have a career,
Stable income,
Lots of cats.

I want to read books I've never even dreamed I would read.
I want to go places I have wanted for so long.
And maybe more.
I want to live the four seasons we don't have here in Malaysia.
Though I've experienced autumn.
I want to learn myself before I learn to be with others.
I want to be with my family and siblings until they get tired of me.
I want to try the food I've even never even heard of.
So many things to do.
So many lists to be achieved.

I don't want to live in regret,
Feeling empty that I've lived for nothing.
Just getting married,
Having kids,
Raising them,
Till I die.

I don't want that.

This Must Be It

Tell me about the dream,
Where we pull the bodies out of the lake,
And dress them in warm clothes again.

How it was late,
And no one could sleep,
The horses running until they forget,
That they are horses.

It's not like a tree,
Where the roots have to end somewhere,
It's more like a song on a policeman's radio,
How we rolled up the carpet so we could dance,
And the days were bright red,
And every time we kissed,
There was another apple to slice into pieces.

Look at the light through the windowpane,
That means it's noon,
That means we're inconsolable.

Tell me how all this,
And love too,
Will ruin us.

These,
Our bodies,
Possessed by light,
Tell me we'll never get used to it.

London, Amsterdam, Paris, and Reyan Khogani

Our Europe trip hasn't ended yet,
But I'm tempted to write.

This is our last stop before we go back to Malaysia.

I didn't expect him.
And to be honest,
I don't expect a happy ending.
A beautiful yet short-lived feeling,
Maybe.

But still,
It stirred something inside me.
A longing,
I guess?

I'm just gonna leave the marriage and fate to Allah SWT,
Then.

Eyes Closed

After breaking up,
After thinking that I finally gained my freedom,
I'm stuck in the mud again.

Or maybe Allah SWT has plans for me in the future,
I don't know.
In shaa Allah,
Maybe.

I am a bitter, egotistical misanthrope.

That much,
I know.

And I am fairly sure that I am not a patient person.
When things get rough,
It's far too much easy to leave everything,
And start over.

I've been hurt for so long,
Hurting others is not a hard task for me.

I don't care for anything else other than myself.

I was so content to not think about marriages,
Or how pissed I was at Mum and him,
And just focusing on my internship and vacation next week;

Until Mum brought up the marriage issue.

Well,
It is a good thing she managed to see that she was the problem,
But I'm just so tired,
And I don't feel like getting married anymore.

But things never go as we planned it,
Right?

Right now I'm torn up between being a "Yes Man" to Mum,
Or standing up to my decision to not get married.

Frankly,
I was hoping he'd come clear to his family,
Saying that I broke up with him,
And that I am not in the mood to get married anymore.

I will be a good servant,
Just please undo all this please.

Let me be alone.
I want to be left alone.

I'm just so tired and bitter,

Everything that happened to me,

I 'd discard them easily because I've nothing left in my heart.

It's just an empty shell with a large spot of darkness.

I Don't Know.

First,
It was when he was so busy,
So damn hard to come back home,
Until Allah tested me with suitors.
(It's always with suitors,
Because it's my Achilles' heel).

Then,
Mum couldn't keep her mouth contained.
I think I've already experienced this before.
When Mum posted his resumé to the family WhatsApp group,
And I ran into Saba's room crying,
Thinking that Mum had humiliated me.
That she broke my trust.
(She did. Again.)
Which the reason I also had no one to talk to except my (estranged, now) wife.

It's not like I wanted to keep the marriage thingy a secret forever,
I just wanted it to be confirmed and official first,
And Mum did it again.

Seriously,
The dude's family hasn't come to our house yet,
And she already pranced on about me getting proposed to.
Maybe it's not as official as they were coming to house,
And just discussing about it in the local surau,
But still.
No family coming.
No engagement.
So no words.
But it's my MOTHER.
WHO CAN NEVER KEEP THINGS TO HERSELF.

And even if I liked about him being so naivé and innocent in relationships,
It kinda irks me out how stupidly stupid he is about making moves.
Sometimes I feel like he's all talk and no actions.
And I grew bored of the promises.
I was never one to believe promises,
After all.

And then,
The whispering of devils.
It made me re-think,
That maybe this is all a mistake.
Maybe I'm rushing things (again),
Maybe marriage life is not suitable for me,
Even though in Islam it is forbidden to delay marriages without reasons.

I'm just,
So tired with all these things.

And Mum is just so indecisive,
Like Dad.
I think this illness call indecisiveness is a plague in our family.
First she was all like,
"Thank Allah you're finally opening your heart to get married!"
And then she was like,
"Maybe you shouldn't get married ,
After all."

People would say it's just my Mum being all sarcastic and she didn't mean it,
Well I could say I don't wanna get married and run away,
And come back while shouting,
"Balderdash!"

I am so tired.
These doubts and indecisiveness is killing me.
Fuck this.
Fuck it all.

Troye Sivan's "Blue Neighborhood"

Okay,
So I haven't updated my blog for a couple weeks.

It is completely legit,
Because;
One: I am at home.
Two: I am content.
Three: I am a fucking lazy potato.
Four: There is nothing remotely exciting happened.

Until,
Troye Sivan's second installation of "Blue Neighborhood"!!

I've watched the first one;
"Wild".

And I loved it.

The first part of the "Blue Neighborhood" trilogy;

WILD

Ah yes,

Did I mention gays?

You should know me by now.

Cute boys,

Starting off as childhood best friends,

And things led astray,

Blah blah blah..

Their angst in the teenage years are shown in the second installation;

"Fools".

Second part of "Blue Neighborhood";

FOOLS

It just came up today!!

I was in the teachers' lounge,

And had to muffle my fangirl screams.

HOMAIGAD!!

And from the preview of the third part of "Blue Neighborhood",

It doesn't look pretty.

But boys.

Boys kissing.

Boys having sexual crisis.

It's a fangirl dream.

And Troye Sivan.

Nuff said.

Mission: Making 'Em Girls Cry

One week.

One week is all there is to it.
One week left,
And then we'll be separated into 4 countries.

Kelantan, Sabah, Penang, and Johor.

I didn't realize it before,
But then a lot of people pointed out;
"Weyh, kesian la kat korang. Jauh semua ni."

If we were all from the same countries,
It maybe won't hurt so much.

But today,
Said cried during our Cohort hi-tea.
It lead to Saba crying,
And me,
Jai ran out from the hall.

Everyone is hugging and crying.
All 215 of us,
TESL 1 till 5.

5 years and a half.

So made them girls a gift.
A vintage pot filled with cards,
"Reasons I love you"
and a necklace for each one of them.

I saw Saba cried,
And Zetty barged in to the room,
Hugged me and cried.

When they cry,
I cry.

It was supposed to be MY moment.
I was supposed to say.
"SURPRISE!"
And laugh.

All I ever can muster is choked sobs.

You became my world for 5 years and a half,
How am I supposed to let go of that?
I'm not ready yet.
I'm not ready.

Because the people I thought didn't matter at first,

Became the people that matters the most.

A Letter For You

To you who know this is for you,

Don't get stressed out about what Mum said.
Don't take it by heart.
At this moment you should already know our family is not the types to console,
But bitten by harsh words.

And I am not good with direct consoling and sympathizing,
But I'll tell you this;
The world is never fair.
You will face many things that makes you want to die.

It is not the end.

Good things will happen after this.
I will stay with you,
No matter what.

Even when I disapprove with your decisions,
I will stay.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
And I will keep loving you till my dusts shatter to the ground.

You're unhappy,
I know.
You're sad,
I know.

We all face different demons,
And right now,
Facing Mum and Dad's expectations,
The thing with fucking retarded UiTM,
You're in dismay.

I'm right here, Bubbs.
You will get through this.
Just go with the flow,
Without sparing a glance at your mishaps in foundation,
Because you're not alone.

Even when Mum can be harsh with words,
She will help you physically,
It's her way of showing affection.
(To think no one in the family are able to show affection with words).

You will be okay,
I love you and you'll be okay.

Okay?

Times Pass, People Change

It's the first day of school since Eid holiday.
I'm still blur on what should I do.
I mean,
I know I should be focusing on my assignments and thesis right now,
But my holiday gene is still lingering in my blood stream,
So I'm kinda stupidly carefree right now,
Even though those little voices back in my head keep screaming;
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, YOU FRICKIN' LAZY DIMWIT!"

And yeah,
Like Jai said,
Our lives has taken a 360 degree turns.
Me,
The only one who hated the topic marriage in our group,
Will be building a masjid of my own,
Insya-Allah.

I don't know when,
It is still in the process of making the base of  our masjid,
But the point it,
I changed,
They say.

Me,
The one who stubbornly wanted to be a grumpy crazy cat-lady,
Who doesn't care about anything and anyone,
Who hated everything and anyone,
But in the end,
Lowers her ego,
And try opening her heart,
Though she was guiding it effervescently before.

I hope I am changing for the better.
I want to be better.

It's not even the thought of falling in love so fast,

It's more about me changing to be a better person,

To be more humane,

To start loving myself,

Because I'm just too tired,

To hold grudges and hating everything.

Goodbye

You,
Who I loved.
I'm letting you go now.

I guess this would be the last time I'm crying for you.

I Did

The thing about being bitter,
Is you have to fall in love first.

I did.

I loved,
And I got hurt,
And it made me bitter.

I loved,
Maybe a bit too much,
And showed too little,
In the end,
It taught me to hate everything,
And everyone.

The thing is,

The one that matter the most,

Thinks that I hated him,

While the others that does not even matter,

Think I hold them dearly in my heart.

But it was him.

He was the first.

It was always him.

That love is something that will hurt you.

It taught me to be bitter.
To be skeptical.
To be cynical.
To see every bad thing there is.
And overlook the good thing.

I loved.
I did.

Soft Kitty

I've been singing "Soft Kitty" song to my friends,
A couple months ago.

I NEVER KNEW THEY'D BE SO OBSESSED BY IT.

No,
Not obsessed by the song,
Obsessed by ME singing it.

If I sang Dila that song as lullaby,
Others would request it too.
They'd want me to omit the word "kitty",
And replace it with their names.

For example;
Soft Zetty,
Warm Zetty,
Little ball of fur,
Happy Zetty,
Sleepy Zetty,
Purr purr purr.

I knew it was the purring that they loved.
And somehow,
I love them more for loving it.

The Fosters: Jude x Connor "Jonnor"

When Dila puts up Ruby Rose as her dp,
I questioned it with;
"Why did she CAN put a gender fluid person as DP,
But when I post gays it becomes a big deal?"

And my friends would retort;
"She puts it up just for fun,
But you made gay life as YOUR life."

Hm, 
Point.
So I shut my trap and move on.

So,
There is this one canon pairing,
Other than Jaiden of course,
And will probably lead to something happily ever after (I wish),
Because they are still young,
And there are too many things to be discovered.

I present..
Jude Adams-Foster and Connor Stevens,
A canon pairing of the series "The Fosters",
Or rather being called "Jonnor".

They were friends before both of them hit puberty,
When Jude's voice was still childish,
Until they became best of friends,
And lovers.

I literally cannot.

I don't need this much fluffiness and cuteness in my life!

Okay, I need it.

It's been a hard month,

And each time I thought I could breathe again,

The world proved me wrong.

And I need this small type of happiness in my life,

Even if it wasn't mine.

Be happy,

Be happy together,

For us.

Beneath All These

Sometimes my friends refuse to take pictures with me.
"Go away,
Your prettiness will dull us out!"
They would say.

I don't care much,
Because I know deep down,
They were teasing.

But it doesn't mean,
The one who is pretty,
Has it all figured out.
Has the world wrapped around her finger.
Has the least happiness amongst them.

We're all bit depressed around here.

My look doesn't define my heart.
If it does,
Then I'd be the ugliest of them all.
Because there is this darkness,
Consuming it,
And I don't know if I could ever retrieve it back.

I don't have everything figured out.
I can't even breathing without breaking down.
The world is pressuring me.

I'd smile,
And lie,
But my emotional intelligence is inadequate.

I'm just a step away from self destruction.

I don't care for love,
Because I think they won't be able to scare my demons away,
Because they could not pacify the insanity inside me,
Because I won't let my heart love.

My looks,
Is not a tool for their lust.
My looks,
Is merely an illusion,
And my heart,
Does no longer function.

Breathe

"Breathe.
You're going to be okay.
Breathe and remember that you've been in this place before.
You've been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared,
And you survived.

Breathe.
And know that you can survive this too.
These feelings can't break you.
They're painful and debilitating,
But you can sit with them,
And eventually,
They will pass.
Maybe not immediately,
But sometime soon,
They are going to fade,
And when they do,
You'll look back at this moment,
And laugh for having doubted your resilience.

I know it feels unbearable right now,
But keep breathing.
Again and again.
This will pass.
I promise it will pass."

Breathe.

Darkness Approaches

I feel small,
Drifted apart,
Withering away,
Wasted.

I just feel so tired lately,
And there is no pretty way to say,
That I wanted to die.

With these marriage thingy,
And my insistence on rejecting everything,
And die alone at the ripe age of 30.

With the posting thingy,
Where everything is fucked up,
Our Malaysian Education Ministry is fucked up,
And everything is falling apart.

The internship,
The thesis,
Every single thing.

I'm 23 but I'm just so,
So tired.

I'm tired of everything.

Sometimes I have this expression on my face saying "Stay away if you want to keep your soul",

And yes,

I meant it.

Defense

My only defense is my ability to run away from troublesome situation by making myself invisible.

I'd shut myself off,
I'd block them far away,
I'll ignore every calls and texts,
And I drive everyone away by being insufferable.

Right now,
Even before everything starts,
My own very defense mechanism,
Shouts "run away as far as you can".

Granted,
Before I got anxious and pantsed in my brain haemorrhage,
All these amused me so.

But after awhile,
It got superficial,
And I just wants to shut this off,
And run away.

I got scared.
And I think of getting away.
I am just so scared.
And scarred.

Marriage: Yay Or Nay?

I've been proposed,
Or in Malay literal sense;
"Dirisik - slash - dipinang".

There were two guys,
I don't know either of them.
It was the parents that drove me to the brick of insanity.

Guy 1:
During my cousin's wedding,
His Dad got a glimpse of me,
And probably thought I was good for his unmarried 29-year old son,
So my uncle is playing Cupid for both parties right now.

Guy 2:
The Mother saw me during one of my tarawikh at home,
And straightforwardly ( and may I say, relentlessly) pursued Mum,
For my hand in marriage,
For his unwed 30- year old son (WTF?).

I was baffled by this news,
For a month ago,
I was planning my solitary life with my sister,
And this nip in the bud was..
A bit thrown off from my previous track.

My friends told me not to think about it too much,
What happen will happen.

But this is me we're talking about.
I'm an over - thinker,
So as per usual,
This upsets me so.

I weighed the options,
I asked for my friends' opinions,
But in the end,
All I can ever muster,
Was "eff it all".

Previously,
I thought I had two choices.
Marry Guy 1 or Guy 2,
After the taaruf of course.

But awhile ago,
I made a new choice between the two,
Which is option 3;
I could choose neither,
And continue with my original goal.

I don't know,
I don't know anything anymore.

I really wish I would not have think of this deeply,

I wish I could just shut my brain off,

And just let the path takes its course,

Or maybe just takes off and run away from this insanity.

Gay Family versus Teenage Pregnancy

I recently had a conversation with my sister,
About gay families versus teenage pregnancy.

Religiously speaking,
I cannot abide by this unnatural occurrence.
Principally,
It is one of my strongest point.

Gay families,
Because they were not able to conceive,
The moment they decided to have children,
Is the time when they are ready.

They are ready for 18 years of constant worrying,
Of midnight cries,
Of changing diapers every frickin' time,
Of crankiness,
Of teething,
Of love.

They are ready to love another human being.
It doesn't matter through surrogacy,
Or adoption,
But it means that the child is loved,
The child is wanted.

But teenage pregnancy,
It is a result of an accident,
Not the readiness of the parent.

There is no guarantee the child will be loved,
Much less taken care of.

So why is there any convictions toward gay families,
But teen parents who can barely take care of themselves,
Are not shun upon?

Our society is full of messed up, twisted people.

It doesn't matter if you have both Mamas and both Papas,

If you're ready to love someone unconditionally,

You're a great parent,

Your sexual orientation doesn't define your quality as a good parent.

It's All Her

Mum: There is this guy -
Me: No. NOPE. N to the frickin' O.
Mum: Why aren't you normal like any other 23 year old girl who WANTED to get married?
Me: Well at least I make money, unlike those NORMAL girls who can't get their panties on for a minute and itching to get married using their parents' money.

I lost hope for when Mum ALWAYS call me her "abnormal species of a daughter".
Welp,
I knew I was abnormal even before she pointed it out.

They thought the reason I don't want to get married,
Is because of my prejudice towards love and marriage.
Well,
It is true,
But not limited to the aforementioned to..

There is one thing that I am too proud to admit.

Mum herself.

She is one of the reasons I don't want to get married.
And the reason keeps getting stronger,
After what happened this morning.

The fucking fucktard made Mum cry.

The only time I made Mum cry was when I got my SPM result.
Even when I was a bratty asshole,
I only made her royally pissed.
Never cry.
And I don't intend to.

Mum cries,
And every bone in my body ache to transfer her misery,
Her sadness to me.
I am already broken,
A few scars here and there won't make any difference.
But Mum,
I never wanted her to be sad because of the fucktard.
It's not worth it.

I want to become the one,
Who soothe her pain,
Who will give her everything she wants,
Who will be the one to lift her to Jannah,
Who will be able to make her want to go everywhere she wants,
Because she deserves it,
And so much more.

Because it is her.
It is always been her.

Forgotten

Today was Anikh's wedding day.
I should feel a bit anxious,
Knowing that we are of the same age,
Being cousins and all,
Yet he surpassed me in marriage.

But I don't feel that at all.
I know I am not adequate enough,
In being someone's wife,
Albeit wanting to be a mother so much.

I am not quite mature enough,
I still argue with my siblings,
Even when the issue is trivial and insignificant.
Sometimes I rage on Mia when she misbehaves.
Reflecting on my actions,
That is not a mature person would do.
And I am not mature enough to be involved with marriage.

Also,
When I was jogging,
I tried to remember HIS face,
But it occured to me,
That I can't remember his face.
I remembered his voice though.
But not his face.

I couldn't forget everything he ever was,
But I couldn't even remember how he looked like.

Stop

"Please stop giving me hope,
If you were to shatter it one day."

Is what I would say when someone offers me hope,
In a hopeless life.

I wanted to say that I honestly don't care anymore,
That I am in charge of my life,
Of my feelings,
Of the step that I take.

But when people offers you hope,
You can't help but to feel it.

I don't want to feel hopeful,
I don't want to feel giddy about it,
And I don't want to lose what is important in my life.

My life.

Stop it,

Don't give me hope,

Let me be this way,

Please.

Edge

I'm scared of height.
Not because I thought I'd fall,
But because I thought I'd jump.

I'm scared of deep water.
Not because I thought I'd drown,
But because I thought I'd dive,
With a heavy rock strapped to my feet,
And I'd never resurface.

I'm scared of being behind the wheels,
Not because I thought I'd crash,
But because I thought I'd run straight ahead of the tree,
And watch my life fades.

Who knows what would I do,
If I had a knife in hand,
And a vulnerable wrist in front of me?

This recklessness is driving me to the edge of insanity.

Replay

I thought,
By the end of AR paper of semester 7,
I'd finally will get over my insomnia,
Finally will be able to get a good night sleep.

How wrong was I.

The scene of PJA spinning that night,
Me and my hands shaking,
Lips chanting "Astaghfirullahal'azim",
Heartbeat skyrocketing,
Breaths laboring,
And the prospect of death,
I couldn't get over it.

The scene would replay itself,
In an endless cycle of terror.

I'm going crazy.

I assured my friends I am okay,
I assured everyone everything is fine,
But I know it is not.

The past is in the past,
But the feelings,
And the memories will always haunt me.
I know I was in the wrong,
But blaming me is not going to change anything.
The one who was on the verge of death was me.
Me.
I was gonna die.

What more can you possibly put me on death sentence for??
I was scared.
I'm still scared.

Accidents

I got into an accident.
I don't know if I can exactly call it an accident per se.
It started when I got up at 5.30 am to go back to Kelantan.

It's a semester break,
And I don't want to tailgate cars because it'd annoy me to drive slowly.
At the intersect of Guntung Dalam,
I lost control of the steering wheel.
The car spiraled into some sort of a piece of spinning wheel,
And I was scared for my life.
Thank Allah I was able to pull the hand brake and it stopped.
But the tyres were exhausted,
And some smoke came out from all fours.

I was shaken,
All I could ever do was istighfar,
But there was nothing I could do,
I need to hang on till I arrived home.
So I maintained 100km/hour till I arrived home.

I was so scared,
And pretty traumatised.
My friends blaming me for everything is not helping too.
At this point I am just gonna send it to a workshop and make them see what is wrong with PJA first.
And i swear not to drive the whole damn thing ever again.
Each time I got into an accident,
It always involved him,
Not with Hisui.

We were just not meant to be together,
PJA and me.

Welp,
Happy holiday to me.

Stressed To The Max

I'm really,
Really going to die,
Am I?

AR Paper,
Who everyone dubbed as the killer paper,
Is just a day away,
And till this day,
One by one mishap happens,
That I think might be the starting point,
Of my endless journey,
In a psychiatrict ward.

First,
The insomnia.
Which has happens a few days,
Since the final started.
It is different if I take afternoon naps,
Or oversleep at nights,
This is just plain insomnia.
I don't sleep at night,
And I don't sleep in the afternoon either.
So I'm really really irritated by the loss of my precious sleeps.

Two,
The month is coming to an end,
And my period is not even here yet.
I joked with Mum that I might be pregnant,
But actually I'm really concerned by my lack of blood coming down in a fountain of grossness,
Which also triggers my abundant appetite for food in general,
And lots of frustration.

Three,
And this one concerned me the least.
Heck,
I don't even give a damn.

Everything is just so stressful,
And there is absolutely nothing I could do,
Except vent it out,
On twitter,
Here,
By watching Junjou Romantica,
Love Stage,
Karaoke-ing in front of laptop,
Yelling to no one in particular,
And picking a fight with the ABBAS' cats.

I am just,
So so tired,
Frustrated,
And I want nothing but this exam to frickin' end already.

Rohingya refugees: Turki Comes To The Rescue

I couldn't bear each times the news of Rohingya refugees pops,
Whether on twitter,
Televisions we saw during eating out in restaurants,
Or on the net.

I couldn't bear the thoughts,
Of starving children,
Women,
Elders.

I pity them,
But that is all I could do.

I was ashamed of this country,
Malaysia,
Of the so-called Islam country,
When we pushed our brothers and sisters in religion away,
When they have nowhere to go.

It is different from the Bangladeshi people,
Who sneaked in to get jobs,
These people were thrown away,
Nowhere to live,
Starving on a vast ocean,
And my heart bleeds for them.

Ya Allah forgive me for I can only pray for them.

Suddenly,
My depression and manic mind seems like a trivial issue,
Compared to the Muslims in Myanmar,
And the Rohingya refugees.

Then came the Turkish ambassador,
Who took them in,
The wife of the president cried as she shook hands with the refugees,
And the president himself hugged the males,
I feel ashamed,
Because Turkey is farthest from Thailand, Malaysia nor Indonesia,
Yet they were the ones who took them in.

Malaysia and Indonesia?
I hope ALLAH SWT show us why we are corrupted.
Rain hardships upon us,
Show us what happens,
When we turn our heads from our siblings in religion.

May Allah bless them, may Allah sent His angels to take the souls that died during the hardships, and lessen their burden afterwards.

Mistake

"If I can't figure myself out,
How are other people supposed to understand me?"

Never ever assume depression is a sign of weakness.
I am weak,
Only to myself.

I will cut and bleed,
Only with my own hands,
But if others try to hurt me,
I'll just hurt them more.

You don't know what I am capable of,
Do not ever try to provoke me.

All of my old wounds,
The demons grasping to my bruised soul,
The deep gash of scar in my heart,
They're all mine,
Not once made by others.

Except one person.

But he never once intended to hurt me.
That I know.
And I will always run back to the memories where he was mine.
Because he was mine.

It was always him.
Until I am strong enough to run,
Run and never look back,
It will always be him.

That is why,
It is a moot point to psyche me out,
Because if I don't spare you a second glance,
That will be the end of it.

I will always be this person,
I will always block people out,
Will always trying to hurt my self,
Will always try to breathe,
But can only gasps for air,
Will always be me.

The voices in my head are mine,

Not yours.

Don't try to make them yours,

Nor me.

We will retaliate with much force you will bleed.

Abyss

Nights in white stain,
Never reaching the end,
Letters I've written,
Never meaning to send.

Beauty I'd always missed,
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is,
I can't say anymore.

Gazing at people,
Some hand in hand,
Just what I'm going through,
They can't understand.

Some try to tell me,
Thoughts they cannot defend,
Just what you want to be,
You will be in the end.

Some people say poetry comes from the highest peak of happiness,

Or the deep abyss of sadness.

And I haven't been so happy for a long time now.

1000

He loves you.
He loves you a lot.
He loves you more than he knows what to do with.
He loves you like the sun will rise, like it will set.
He loves you like the pull between the tide and the moon.
He loves you more than what he is made of.
He loves you more in spaces that have no more room.
He loves you at times that there is none left.
He loves you so much that it is not a part of himself, it is an entity all its own.
It lives and loves beyond him and the tight restraints of terrestrial space and linear time.
He loves you and he might not say it,
Not because he's dumb (even though he can be),
But because he knows there is no way to say it.
He can't equate it.
He can't relay it.
He can only feel it and live it and give it to you.
And you're someone that can love him that strange way he is.
And I'm so, so glad he's finally found you.
I'm so glad he has you.
Finally.
Finally.

He loves you.

I Want

"You need a boyfriend, or a husband, ASAP."
"Sure, let me go to the store and pick up a fresh one."

I want,
Someone who sees me on my bad "Einstein" hair day,
When I'm hating the world,
When I thrash around,
When I am nothing but a lazy ass buritto,
When I want to do nothing but lay around,
When I am fangirling,
When I wear nothing but yesterday's clothes (that may smell like raccoon),
When I'm plotting the world's domination,
When my cheeks and belly are flabby,
When I want to smother him to death with pillows.

Sees me beneath this physical,
Who knows I am a bipolar person,
Who knows my depression,
Who doesn't even amused by my piercings,
Who knows I am crazy,
Who can handle my craziness,
And still can say,
"I am in love with this girl."

Of course they don't.
Of course they don't see beneath the physical per se.

And that is one of the reason I don't believe in guys,
And love.

I wonder if people could see the psychotic crazy fangirl who has the thought of killing people at least 10 times a day beneath this perfectly-masked teacher?

NOPE. OF COURSE NOT.

Reality Check

There are people who we are envious of,
People we idolize,
People we want to be in the future,
And then there is reality.

I don't aspire to be someone else,
Other than a supernatural being,
Like a frickin' siren.

Sirens are cool,
They live underwater like mermaids,
And then they turn into humongous ugly bird creatures,
And eat humans' hearts.
So they're like multispecies,
Living underwater,
On land,
And can fly.

Stop for a reality check.

Each reality is different.

Mine is hoping to get through life without being led astray,

To actually live and not just surviving,

To stop being so damn homicidal and suicidal,

To stop being cynical,

To stop being so negatively minded,

To stop trying to push everyone away,

To start actually being human again.

But why being normal when I can be me?

My reality is different from others.

I'm happy with being unhappy,

It makes me aware of my environment,

Even though I seem to be an airhead sometimes,

But at least I live.

Even though sometimes I feel like I don't exist,

I'd like to think that I'm still living,

And not trapped in an asylum.

Hypocrisy

What's the point in being fake,
Why kiss someone else's ass,
But your own ass on fire?

True,
Living in a society makes it vital to be a hypocrite,
But I refuse to bend to people's wills.

It's their problem,
Not mine.

Maybe Saba was right,
If I keep on being like this,
I'd end up crazy.

I'll snort to that,
I've already lost everything.
I don't have my sanity anymore,
What else can they take from me?

I just don't give a fuck anymore.

I don't need people.
I don't have anything in my life.
If they leave,
I'd just forget about them in matter of time.
I'm that sort of person.

If you want to leave,
Be my guest.
I was fated to be alone anyway.

I've past the point of no return a long time ago,

Giving me advice to keep my sanity is a moot point,

Since I've lost it for as long as I remember.

Too Many Awws

Obsessed,
Too obsessed with this song,
It's so beautiful!
*sobs*

Too many awws

Doge approves

Much cute

Lyrics:

Dear future baby

Here's a few things

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be oo~

Dear future baby 

Here's a few things

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be our one and only all our life

We won't let you cry

Always keep you dry

Even when ya diaper makes us wanna freakin' die

Cause we will treat you right

Give you the perfect life

Buying what you need

Buy- buying your binkies

Sleeping 3 to 5

Then baby so will I

So don't be thinking

We'll be sleeping while we let you cry

We'll let your Baba cook

And then sing you this hook

Sing along with me

Sing sing along with me (hey!)

We know just how to treat you like a baby

Even when you're acting cranky

We'll make everything alright

Dear future baby

Here's a few things 

You'll need to know cause

You're gonna be our one and only all our life

Dear future baby

You will never feel that you're not loved

Cause you're gonna know we love you each and every night

Please don't scream and fight

We'll teach you not to bite

And try to raise you to be kind, funny and polite

We promise you our world

If you're our boy or girl

Takin' care of you

It's what we gonna do

We know just how to treat you like a baby

Even when you're acting cranky

We'll make everything alright

If you need us we'll be right there in a flash

We'll be putting all your artworks on the fridge

We'll help you get good grades

And go to all your games 

We promise you

We we promise you

Dear future baby

You will never feel that you're not loved

Cause you're gonna know we love you each and every night

Fandoms

I seriously didn't remember how I stumbled upon these two.
All I remember was,
Searching for horror movies,
Watching "Honto ni Atta Kowai Hanashi",
Because I like to freak myself out,
And watching NPH and David Burtka clips (they're hilarious okay.).

The ones where David went;
D: You know our lives are probably look like Bollywood musicals?
NPH: Because it's an eternal tragedy that we're in love but are forbidden to be together by society? A common Bollywood thing.
D: No, we sing and dance a lot.

Or,

NPH: Hello, I am Neil Patrick Harris and this is my better half, David Burtka.
D: I am better.

Why are they so cute????
Why???
Adding Gideon and Harper into the equation,
They are the perfectly normal family that I ever wanted.

And i just showed Saba the "John Barrowman" love life.
It seriously felt like what happened in the Incredibles.

Aiden x Josh - Jaiden "The Originals"

This was so awesome.
I first stumbled upon werewolf x vampire romance,
When I read "Blood Ties",
Where Niko "Nikolai" and his beau a shapeshifter,
Not necessarily a werewolf,
Were romantically involved with each other.

That was the book part.

Watching it on screen,
Is a new other thing.

Not Niko and the dude (I can't remember his name) per se,
But different species altogether.
Y'know,
The whole vampire and werewolf are sworn nemesis since forever thing,
I had a particular disdain towards that part of supernatural,
Since frickin' Stephenie Meyer and Jeff Davies ruined my fandom life,
But mostly Jeff Davies.

I present Josh and Aiden.

Tralalalala,

Nothing makes me happier than a canon OTP,

Even when they didn't get their happy ending.

Josh is a baby vampire,

Aiden is in Klaus/Jackson's pack(?),

I don't really pay attention to the plot or the dynamics,

And even when they have less on-screen chemistry than Sterek,

I'm just glad they're canon.

And no need for dramatics flair,

They're just like...

Clique together.

Holding hands,

Soft smirks,

Stealing glances (and kisses),

It's just so cute it hurts.

Well, 

Until Dahlia decided to kill Aiden,

(Why is it always the ones with name "Aiden" has to die? Seriously!)

When he and Josh finally wants to leave the coven and the pack,

To start living together,

Just by being them.

By being a couple.

Not the old nemesis they were supposed to be,

Like the Montague versus Capulet,

And the star-crossed lovers caught in between.

Of course they didn't get their happy ending.

OF COURSE.

But hey,

If it's any consolation,

My baby Isaac was in the series.

Without his golden curls,

And a snarky attitude (which I guessed he got from his pack Mom cough*STILES*cough),

British accent,

And since when my Golden Pup Isaac left the Hale pack,

Got a new makeover,

And turned from a Beta werewolf into a druid/magical creature(?)???

Haiya.

Jeff frickin' Davies,

Listen up.

This is how Derek and Stiles should be.

Without getting died part.

Priorities

I guess I'm experiencing what my friends used to experience before.
Putting my priorities first,
Or others first.

I really don't want to go to EDU class anymore.
I'm sick of Suryani's face.
Her existence is enough to make me barf
Like a cow dung horned by flies.
If ya get what I mean.

My priority is going to SMK Manir,
And watch my babies perform.
But what my friends see,
The priority is my presence,
During EDU class.

Because if I bail,
Then I don't know where my priority lies.
I left my task for them to handle,
And I left them to present the frickin' I-Think alone.

I need to know where OUR priority lies,
Not just my own.

Goddamn Suryani.

Living Is Tiring, How About Death?

We Muslims believe in afterlife.
Before the afterlife starts,
There are things that we need to redeem,
In the field of Mahsyar.

I feel like living itself is a test.
Not just the absence of love in my heart,
Not just living as a young adult,
Not just the temptation of the world,
Not even the annoying existence of Suryani.

Living is tiring.

But if living is tiring,
What about the eternal life?
How can I assure myself,
That I'm qualified enough,
To live leisurely in the afterlife?

I can't.
And that is the most terrifying thing I ever imagined.

I'm just a villain,
Whose story was untold.
We all are.

I promise.

I still have the letter.
I'd burn everything else,
I threw it all away.

Not the letter.

I promise,
If I ever get married,
I'll burn the letter too,
Along with the memories,
Along with the grudge,
Along with the feelings,
Along with all my love.

But right now,
Let it be mine.

Let it be the tiniest evidence,
That I once loved,
Being loved,
And broken.

Where Would You Be

"The saddest kind of love,
Is knowing that the one who you love,
Still loves you,
But unable to show you that love,
Because circumstances doesn't allow them to."

I'd like to believe that I wasn't loved anymore,
Rather than knowing,
That I was loved,
But unable to reach out to that love.

It's like they are so near,
Yet so far.

I tried to make fake smiles,
There are those types of strengths,
That you can still smile,
Even when you can't even breathe.

But all I can choke out,
Is voiceless sobs.
Silence through the noises.

I don't try to get better,
Because if I get better,
I might forget how does it feel,
When you've been put in your place.

Worthless.

I was hoping by traveling,

I'd forget.